"Report from the front:" A fictionalized account of the events of the last few weeks in my ongoing war with an unwelcome tumor

We are each generals leading our personal battles with cancer. Here's the latest from my battlefield: (WARNING: Fiction Ahead)

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This morning on “Talking with Katie” we have a very special guest: General David Goodwin, who is currently in charge of our troops fighting in the left temporal lobe territory, a region we must hold if w are to win this war, and repel the invader.

K: General Goodwin, first of all, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to talk with us.

D: Katie, I’m happy to do it. But of course, you’re right, when you say that I have a very busy schedule. In fact, I’m due back at the front lines in 30 minutes. We’ve seen some unusual activity in the Image Interpretation Center, where the essential meaning is extracted from the complex data sent from the field by our two optical sensors.

Our enemy pursues his dark ambitions without pause, and so we must remain ever at the ready, knowing that we may be called into battle at any time.

Another point that I should make clear up front: I hope you will understand that even as we speak, battles rage on several fronts. I must assume that the enemy will view this broadcast as well as our troops and supporters, and so I must answer carefully in some cases. And if you ask me certain questions, such as ones about our strategic plans to win this war, I will be forced to refuse to answer.

But within those limits, please feel free to ask what you like, and I will answer to the extent I can.

K: OK, let’s start with a summary of the current status. In your opinion, are we winning or losing this war?

D: Now Katie, that’s just the sort of question I can’t answer. If I say I think we are losing, it would surely demoralize our troops, precisely when we need them most, to help us over the “rough patch” in the road. And it’s not much better if I say I think we are winning. Then the enemy would be emboldened, thinking we had become complacent.

K: OK, let me rephrase the question: General, could you please summarize any new developments on each of the major battlefronts?

D: Yes, I’ll be happy to do so…

K: Great, … but first, a few important messages from our sponsors…

(to be continued)

June Update

Well, it's been a long time (once again)... I guess I'd better get out and do some INTERESTING THINGS so that I'll have something to write about!

Well, actually I've got a few things...

Did I happen to mention that I'm writing a (short) story? It's lots of fun, and creative writing is a new experience for me! And to top it off, the story had a good moral: we must stop global warming! But it takes its own sweet time to get to that message....

Here's a little excerpt from the beginning you might find amusing... i

To set the stage: "Mr. Z" or "Zarathustra" and his friends live far away; in fact, they live in a 9-dimensional world outside our universe. Not only that, they actually created our universe! Now they didn't make every thing there is in our universe, they just set the physical parameters and then started the "Big Bang". They generally sit back and watch after that, without further intervention.

Mr. Z and colleagues all work at the "Institute for Universe Studies" and they created our universe in the "Big Bang Machine" (so named by the custodian due to the awful clatter it made) that they had at the Institute. The machine requires you to insert a coin (no free lunch!), set the parameters (e.g. the fine structure constant, the cosmological constant, etc.) and press the button to start. If all goes well, a nice display bottle emerges containing your new universe, suitable for display in your living room or office.

For most choices of parameters, the resulting universe is incompatible with life. The spacetime either never unfurles, or it expands quickly to a cold gas, and never reverses course. Both are quite boring. It is only when the physical parameters satisfy certain relations among themselves that the resulting universes seem capable of supporting any type of life.

Our universe turned out particularly well, and is one of the few they created that actually produced some semi-intelligent creatures (e.g. on the little planet "Earth"). For this reason, watching the development of Earth from a molten fireball to a place with good restaurants has been of great interest to them. So much so, in fact, that they have a "reality" TV series in their world far away, that is called "Watching Little Earth." This show is very popular with the general public in their world, and consists of transmissions of earthling-produced documentaries. For example, there is the one detailing the activities on a certail "Wisteria Drive"; other episodes have shown harrowing escapes from various tropical islands. The have learned through these transmissions from earth, that we play violent games where two teams face off and throw or shoot things at each other. This is not nice! Some people seem to get very seriously hurt in these games. At first, they just threw rocks at each other, but now they have these flying vehicles that they use to drop fireworks of some type on the other team. That hurts! Well, it is all very entertaining, but really they should find more peaceful games to play!

Recently, they noticed that little planet earth seemed to be getting hotter, and it seemed to be due to activities of the homo sapiens species. So they have come to visit with a message. Their goal is to get on Oprah or Larry King to tell all of earth: fix this global warming NOW or ELSE! It seems their Institute budget largely derives from revenue from the "Watching Little Earth" series. If we now mess up the planet so that their public is no longer interested in tuning in, then their Institute will lose so much funding they will be unable to continue their work. They can't allow this to happen. So they are giving us one last change. If we fail, they will sweep our entire galaxy into the nearest blackhold, and recycle the energy and matter into some more useful form. So if we want to avoid being "blackhold food" we'd better get our act together...

And of course, along the way, much hilarity will ensue...

Mr. Z Goes to Earth with a Important Message

A Short Story by
Dave Goodwin
June, 2008

An Early Morning Encounter

I first met “Zarathustra” or “Mr. Z.,” as we affectionately call him now, early one morning last Winter Term. For those of you who don’t live your lives according to the academic calendar, as I (and most people I know) do, “Winter Term” translates roughly to “January to mid-March.” Also, just to dispel any confusion before we begin, Mr. Z is no relation to the Zarathustra of history (6th century BC). He just chose to take his name. But more about that later. Now let’s get back to how this all began…
I remember distinctly that it was very early in the morning on that winter day --- probably about 5 or 6 am --- when I first saw him. In any case, it was still too dark to see much of anything --- trees, buildings, cars, and people were all just black silhouettes against the dark gray overcast sky.
I was taking my usual short cut through the park next to the University where I work, when I ran into Mr. Z. When I say “ran into,” I mean it quite literally, not like

“Oh Honey --- guess who I ran into this morning? Shirley! Remember her? I think you two met once. I think you’d actually like her if you just gave her a chance. Oh, Honey, that was a long time ago. I hadn’t thought of her in years until I ran into her today! ”

No, I literally collided with Zarathustra in the darkness of the park. Now you might think from his rail-thin body that he would come out the worse for a collision with me. But you would be wrong – he really packs a punch! He has abs like steel --- or, considering what we would soon learn, maybe I should just say “he has steel abs.” In any case, the result of our collision was that I found myself splayed out on the path, looking up at Mr. Z standing over me. Now if he were like some of the “tough guys” you sometimes see hanging out in parks like this one, he could have finished me off with a few quick, powerful kicks. But of course we know now that Mr. Z is not like that at all --- he is, above all else, a very decent fellow.
So he smiled and helped me to my feet. He apologized for standing precisely where I was planning to walk. I accepted his apology, and within seconds, I came to see him as the true “gentleman” we all now know him to be, and not as some local thug trying to mug me.
Soon, his entire group surrounded me, and they were all trying to shake my hand at the same, while looking me in the eyes with “sincere” expressions, and saying things like
“Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen!”
“Room for cream?”
“Fries with that?”

As it turned out, they were not really expecting answers from me – they were just practicing their English. Zarathustra explained to me that they were only visiting for a little while, and they live somewhere “very far away.” Judging from their strongly-accented attempts at English, I realized how true this must be. I couldn’t quite place their accent, however. Was it French? If it was, it was some obscure dialect that I had never heard before.
But their clothing suggested they could be French – very avant gard, and very colorful! Each one of them wore a single color – one guy was all “hot pink” and another wore electric blue. Not at all like the “practical” clothes we Engineering Professors wear at the university. On days I’m teaching (MWF), I usually wear a white or beige button-up shirt (but no tie!), tan or dark slacks, a very professorial old tweed sportcoat, and my old, comfortable athletic shoes. On other days (TuThSatSun) I usually just pull on my favorite old brown sweater over a T shirt and a pair of jeans.
But enough about how I dress. Their clothes were much more interesting. Remember those polyester “leisure suits” from the 70’s? Well, their outfits were similar, although the fabric did not seem to be polyester. Instead, it seemed to be something programmable – by turning a few small dials sewn into the side, they could change the color of the fabric, and even its texture and transparency. It was possible to dial in a look of metal mesh, or a very finely woven mirror-like gold or silver, or a fabric woven from brightly tinted plastic polyester-like fibers. But unlike the polyester we know, these fibers seemed to act as optical waveguides! Using tiny fiber couplers in the seams, they could capture light from any external source and use it to illuminate the garment. So if you were outdoors, sitting in the shade, then the outfit would turn bright blue! Now if you stepped out of the shade into direct sunlight, the color would quickly change to brilliant yellow! Of course, all of this is user-configurable using the dials. If you want, for example, to wear a bright red leisure suit that doesn’t change color, all you need to do is to turn off the external coupler, and instead use one of the little diode laser light sources sewn into the seams.
As an engineer,I must say I found this extremely cool. These people may not call themselves “engineers” but they sure do make some incredible stuff! I resolved at that moment that I would try to spend as much time as I could with Mr.~Z and crew, so that I could learn how to build as many cool gadgets as possible before they have to go back home (wherever that may be).

Status as of May 08...

Well, I'm still kicking... but I admit you wouldn't know it by the frequency of blog posts... It seems my last post was over 2 months ago. Sorry about that! I'll try to be a little more frequent...

First of all, I want to say that I send my very best wishes for a full recovery to Senator Kennedy and his family. As a glioma patient myself, I want let Senator Kennedy and his family know that you are in our thoughts!

And also - there really is hope! Research projects now underway at some of the major cancer centers, and at leading research universities, may be leading the way to radically better treatments! One project I know about uses nanoparticles that seek out and bond to the tumor surface to direct the full energy of a radio-frequency source to the tumor and the tumor alone. As a result, the tumor can be heated to a temperature where it is damaged or killed, without the surrounding tissue getting hot at all. Then there are other promising projectts involving genetic therapies, targeted drug delivery, and lots more. I'm really hopeful that before long, cancer will become a manageable chronic diseash, rather than the tragic disease it is today. Scientifically speaking, we are certainly living in interesting times!

If I had any advice for Sen. Kennedy (or anyone else newly diagnosed with a glioma), it would be this: to the extent possible, keep active mentally and physically, and keep on working to make this world a better place. I think the last one is very important but have hardly ever seen it mentioned as a component of recovery from disease. Sometimes it is important to get your thoughts away from your problems, and focused on those who are less fortunate than you are (yes, even though we have brain cancer, we are very fortunate indeed if we have a loving, supportive family, work that we find satisfying, and a network of real friends).

Some general advice for just about anyone, sick or well:

1. Don't spend time thinking about what might have been but wasn't. We can't control the hand of cards we are dealt, but we sure can determine how we play them!

2. Don't give in to anger. There is probably no reason you got this - it was likely a random mutation of some protein or DNA molecule somewhere in your brain... maybe you just happened to be standing in the way of the wrong gamma particle from the sun at the wrong time... It wasn't what you ate, or anything you said or did or thought. It just happened. But once it has taken an initial foothold, I do think it is possible for all of these things to combine to fight it and ideally destroy it while it is small. Exercise, a healthy diet, a genuine positive attitude, lack of stress, and good, satisfying relationships with friends and family, are all important in fighting the small cancer cells before then develop into large tumors.

3. None of us gets out of this thing we call "life" alive. We all have a finite lifespan. It is only a matter of degree that separates cancer patients from nominally "healthy" people. Of course, we want to have every precious moment that we can. But remember, every day the newspaper has stories of young people who die at the hands of other young people, or at their own hands. I think that combination of guns, cars, testosterone, and poverty is a deadly mix, and probably injures or kills more people every day than does brain cancer.

4. Don't play the "blame game". No one gave you this disease. "They" are not out to get you. Nor is it your fault or God's fault. It was just random chance, and unfortunately this time your number came up. I'm much happier with the random-chance idea, than the idea that God is "out to get me." Now that would be truly scary!

Coming soon to a blog near you

My Parkinson's symptoms suddenly become amplified. I go into an :"on/off" pattern. About 60 to 90 minutes later, I am "on" and can walk amd move in general very well

4 hours later: sinement no longer effective.

(more to come soon...)

Drawing and Painting

I have always enjoyed drawing and painting. Over the years, I'ven taken a few studio art classes, starting with a few classes at Stanford (summer just-for-fun classes in ceramics and painting, a figure drawing class with Nathan Oliviera, and then another figure drawing class at Foothill Junior College. Then about 1984. At the end of my time at Stanford, I went to a few figure drawing sessions put on by some of the MFA students. After I left Stanford and settled into Munich, my artistic inclinations took a backseat for a while, since who can really compete with the old masters?

Then for the next 10 years I hardly did any painting at all... Finally, I decided to try it again... Well, the rest is history... I went through a period of intensive artisic activity, during which I painted probably more than 10 paintings, did lots o pastel sketchs, etc. Now I've once again lapsed a bit, but my new goal is to paint some new works! Maybe I'll even start one this afternoon...

So why am I mentioning this? Well, painting is a good way to de-stress, keep the fingers limber, and generally promote health... And we all know how important a positive attitude and a relaxed, stress-free environment are for fighting cancer. This must be the only kind of battle that you fight by relaxing -- well, if that is what it is going to take, then sign me up!

Here we go again...

Hi! Welcome or welcome back to my blog! It has been quite a while since I posted anything (October). I was thinking that nothing interesting was happening any more, once the surgery was finished, and I gradually resumed my normal life. Well, I think I assumed too much... as it turns out, my life is once again "interesting" (in both positive and negative ways). But to cut to the chase: I'm doing well - I feel good, have had lots of visits from friends old and new, and (at least on most days) still remain optomisic, without being in pie-in-the sky denial. I know how tough it is to beat Glioblastome, but I'm ready to go to battle!

I'm Baaaaaack!

Just when you thought it was safe to go online, there's another post from me on "MyBrainyBrainBlog!" Well, I think I'm as surprised as you are... It seemed to me that after my birthday party in October, that everything else was going to be anticlimactic, as I went about resuming daily life. So as my attention turned to other things, blogging gave way to other activities...

Little did I know what was in store!

I'm starting up the blog again, and will try in my next post to summarize the period from October to now (early March). But first, the bottom line: I'm still here and kicking, and on the whole am feeling very good! So with that, I'll stop for now, and actually get busy doing something productive around the house here, like cleaning, maybe doing some laundery, etc. But watch for another post in a few hours!

Dave

Return to Normality...

Well, as time goes on, life around here is getting back to normal. My radiation therapy is finished, although the chemotherapy will continue for some time. I'm happy to report that all signs so far look very positive! (Well, except for my perpetual bad hair day... but that's a minor concern, and anyway will probably improve eventually...)

My posts to this blog will probably become less frequent, but the blog itself will remain up, so that you can go back to old posts and view the highlights (for example, a video of an "old" man trying to shoot free-throws, etc.)

For those of you who are interested in keeping up with our regular daily lives (probably only family will be interested in this!) and occasional trips to exotic or not-so-exotic places, you might try my other blog (http://dggoodwin.blogspot.com).

And remember, as far as this "brain" blog goes... no news is good news!

Now that's what I call a party!

Last Sunday (October 14) I had the greatest birthday party I have EVER had! (OK, maybe it does mean I've just passed the half-century mark, but other than that it was fantastic!)

To those of you who were there, thanks so much for taking the time from your busy schedules to celebrate with us! And to those who couldn't make it but kept us in your thoughts - thank you too!

I've got some (actually lots) of pictures of the big event. (Who's the guy with the "punk" haircut?) If you'd like to take a look, go to http://picasaweb.google.com/dggoodwin07 and select one of the 3 party photo albums).

Special thanks to Toni Morrissey and Huayang Zhu for taking so many great photos!

Radiation Therapy

I have been in radiation therapy since my surgery. The idea is that the radiation (in combination with chemotherapy) kills the microscopic bits of tumor tissue around the edges of the tumor cavity that were too small for the neurosurgeon to see or remove surgically. The process lasts 6 weeks, and so this is my last week. To mark this occassion, I brought my camera in yesterday. Some of the results are shown below...



View of yours truly as seen on the video monitor. (I didn't know they sold these machines at BigLots! The price is certainly right...)


For each patient, they make a mask out of a plastic mesh material that can be pressed to fit the contours of the patient's head, and then cured (somehow) to harden it in this shape. This allows them to precisely position the patient's head each time, so that the beam irradiates the same spot every time. Didn't Hannibal Lechter wear one of these things?

The radiation source is a linear accelerator that generates X-ray radiation at specific energies. The entire machine can be rotated on several axes so that the beam can come from any desired angle, depending on the location of the tumor, and the locations of important things that shouldn't be in the beam path (eyes, etc.). This is a lot better than the alternative of rotating the patient!

I must say I have been very impressed with all of the people who work in the Radiation Therapy department at Huntington Hospital, from Dr. Lam, who heads the department, to the expert physicists who design the procedures, to the technicians who actually run the machines. One of the positives of this whole thing has been meeting this great group of people!

On the Road Again...

The biggest news of the last few days is that I am once again permitted to drive a car! My first trip was straight to the carwash, to remove the thick layer of dust that had accumulated over the last few weeks. Then on to OSH, Starbucks, and other local haunts I had missed going to...

No more need to risk my health by bicycling down busy traffic-filled streets to get to Caltech... I do want to thank my team of "drivers" (you know who you are) who so generously gave of their time to shuttle me between home, hospital, work, doctor's offices, etc. I appreciate it very much, and if you ever need anything that I can help with, just let me know!

Feeling in a very good mood, I was an easy mark when Tim mentioned that it sure would be nice to have an electric guitar... (or maybe I mentioned it first to him?). In any case, Saturday morning we drove over to our local Guitar Center to look over their large selection of electric guitars and amps. We found a Fender guitar that seemed to be just the thing we were looking for... Classic Stratocaster style, cool two-tone paint job... what more could we want? So, feeling generous, and thinking that maybe there is still time to become a rock-and-roll star, I agreed to purchase it. Tim is kicking in some from his own money too, so it will officially belong to both of us...

So our house, where normally one hears sounds of classical piano and guitar, now reverberates with rock and roll... or at least it did until we added headphones to the amp so that it is possible to "rock on" without disturbing others. For my part, I can't quite figure out how to hold the thing. It is very heavy, and my normal classical guitar posture doesn't seem to work at all. It seems one needs to wear a strap, and stand up (preferably in a defiant, rebellious stance) to play it. I have played it a bit, but don't really know what I am doing, although I have learned that classical pieces are not particularly enhanced by lots of overdrive and reverb...

I think my loyalty will remain with classical guitar first, with only occasional forays into the wilder world of rock guitar. I think Tim, however, will take to it, and might even take lessons.

Now that I am driving again, the rhythms of daily life are resuming, which is a very good thing. After this week, I won't have any more radiation therapy treatments, and so I will resume driving the kids to school in the mornings. Then since I'll be just across the street from Caltech, I might as well go into the office and actually get some work done... I am aware of several deadlines approaching (program review meetings, kick-off meetings for new programs, proposals to write, a new energy course that I will offer starting in January that still needs lots of preparation...) so it is time to get moving, and make up for the last few distraction-filled weeks.

One unfortunate consequence of returning to "normality" (whatever that is) is less time for blogging, and fewer blog-worthy events. My issues with balance, memory, and other things that were the subject of much blog discussion, are now largely receding, as the healing process proceeds, and the dosages of various strong medications are ramped down (and for some, discontinued when no longer needed). So as a result, my posts to this blog may become less frequent, and perhaps less interesting... anyway, I'll keep posting as long as there are things that are interesting enough!

But if you don't hear from me in a while, have no fear... I'm probably just out picking up the kids from school, or driving them to soccer, or holed up in my office writing a proposal or paper, or in some committee meeting at Caltech, or doing one of the many other things that define my "normal" life....

Old Photos

Well, since I'm spending a little more time at home than usual, I noticed that some of our old photo albums are starting to slowly deteriorate. So I've embarked on a new project to photograph all of our old paper photographs to create digital versions that are easier to share, won't deteriorate, and show us as we wish we still looked but don't...

Here are a few of the results so far (not in chronological order!):

I'll post more old photos as I get more of them digitized!

Visit by Steve Harris

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything to the blog... sorry about the delay, but I've been busy with some other things. I'll try to post something every day, so that you don't need to worry that your Faithful Bloggist is no longer blog-capable...

The biggest recent event is that Steve Harris, my long-time friend and scientific collaborator from CVD diamond days, stopped by early Saturday morning and we went out to breakfast (at IHOP - the "International House of Pancakes"). Steve lives in Michigan, where he works for a Big 3 automaker in their Research Laboratory. Steve is a physical chemist, and is very well known for work on the chemistry of soot formation, mechanisms for low-pressure diamond deposition, tribology, and probably other areas that I don't know about too...

Steve and I first met shortly after I started working in the field of low-pressure diamond synthesis using Chemical Vapor Deposition (CVD). I'm not 100% sure, but I think we met at the first CVD diamond meeting (of which there would be many more over the next few years...) that I ever went to, which would have been in 1989 in Dallas, TX. Steve was already active in the field when I started, and as I recall he was one of the Invited Speakers at this meeting. We ultimately wrote several papers together, but that was not until a few years later.

[CAUTION: Science ahead! For you non-technical types, you are permitted to skip this section... scroll down until you see "IHOP". To my graduate students: you are not permitted to skip this section...]

One of the first things that drew us together is that I showed by means of simulations that a CH3-based reaction mechanism that Steve had already proposed for low-pressure, low-rate diamond CVD also gave the right growth rates for high-pressure CVD processes such as plasma torches and flames, when one properly accounts for the transport of reactants and products to and from the substrate through the boundary layer. It was thought that some other mechanism must be active in these systems, since there just wasn't enough CH3 in these plasmas or flames to account for the high growth rates - the temperatures were so high that the carbon was tied up in species like C, CH, C2, C2H2, etc. But I showed that right before the substrate, as the gas cools off in the thin (less than 1 mm thick) boundary layer, just enough CH3 is produced to explain the observed growth rates.

For more light reading on this topic, might I recommend...

S. J. Harris and D. G. Goodwin, “Growth on the Reconstructed Diamond (100) Surface,” Journal of Physical Chemistry 97 (1), 23-28, 1993 (feature article).

D. G. Goodwin, “Simulations of High Rate Diamond Synthesis: Methyl as Growth Species,” Applied Physics Letters 59 (3), 277-279, 1991.

S. J. Harris, H. S. Shin, and D. G. Goodwin, “Diamond Films from Combustion of Methyl Acetylene and Propadiene,” Applied Physics Letters 66, 891-893, 1995.

OK, now to the important stuff... I had a Country Omelette with pancakes on the side at IHOP. (I have to confess, I don't quite remember what Steve ordered... you now how it is with my memory loss, etc. However, I am happy to report I remember in detail everything about my delicious Country Omelette and the excellent pancakes, which I ate with strawberry syrup.)

Steve and I had a very good breakfast and a very good visit. Of course we talked some about our current scientific interests - particularly lithium-ion batteries, which, according to an "unnamed highly-placed chemist at a big 3 auto maker" (I won't tell if you won't) are going to be very important for electric vehicles. These batteries work in a very interesting, but poorly-understood way, so there is lots of fun research to do for those who are so inclined...

But we also talked about "big picture" issues of "what's it all about." I'm not sure we came to any definite conclusions, but we agreed that we liked, in principle, the idea that there is something more to life than just molecules doing what they do... but that's about as far as we got. Maybe this will require multiple IHOP breakfasts to figure out... I'm ready to tackle it: It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Anyway, Steve: thanks for stopping by, and I hope your high school reunion Saturday night went well!

Home Improvement Update

Things are progressing well on the home improvement front... The biggest recent event was the pouring of concrete for our expanded driveway/basketball court/skateboard area. Here are some photos of the pour.

We're also progressing well on exterior landscaping. We have the plans formulated of what we want to do, and the work will begin soon. Our major objectives are to create more lawn space, and to clear out the visual clutter of many small shrubs, flowers, etc., in favor of a cleaner, simpler, more open look.

Some modified blog posts...

I have gotten into the habit of posting things to the blog shortly after the events occur in a form that is a bit rough around the edges (a first draft). As time permits, I come back later and clean up the text, resulting in the final draft. I've now done this for my posts describing my recent bicycling (mis)adventures. So if you'd like to read the (more or less) "final" draft of these, they are now ready for your viewing pleasure...

Biking to work... maybe not such a good idea

Flush with the success of my long afternoon bike ride, I decided to bike to Caltech on Friday. Unfortunately, it was not entirely successful.

I was a little bit shaky on my feet for some unknown reason (I had taken my meds), but I figured once I got on the bike everything would be fine. And most of the way there, things were in fact fine. I rode on the right-hand edge of the right-most lane, and occasionally on the sidewalk, when the lanes were so narrow that a car could not pass me without coming uncomfortably close to me.

I made it all the way to Caltech (about 2 miles), and then at the traffic light by the tennis courts, I went up onto the sidewalk to push the button for pedestrians crossing in the crosswalk. My plan was to get off at this point, and walk the short remaining distance to my office. But as I started to dismount on the sidewalk, I lost my balance, and ended up falling backwards and sprawling out onto the sidewalk. As I fell, I hit the back of my head on the traffic light pole, which would have probably hurt quite a bit, had I not been wearing my helmet. I was not seriously (or even unseriously) injured, so I stood back up and dusted myself off. A student waiting for the walk signal asked me if I were OK, and I assured her that I was -- just a bit embarrassed, perhaps.

On the way back home in the afternoon, I unfortunately had another crash. This one was near Arroyo Parkway, also on the sidewalk. No one else was involved, and no one was hurt. Still, I was quite disappointed to have two crashes on this simple route I had ridden many times before without any crash. It showed me that I am not yet at 100% capability, and suggested that I be a bit more conservative in setting my bike-riding goals. Maybe I am not yet ready for a 2-mile ride down California Blvd, full of traffic and lots of traffic signals.

I think for a while at least, I will restrict my bike riding to streets in the neighborhood, many of which only have traffic due to local residents coming and going, and are very wide and fairly level. Oh well, maybe I was pushing the recovery schedule too much. I'll take things one step at a time, and only allow myself to ride to Caltech, or ride on any of the busy Pasadena thoroughfares without marked bike lanes (California, Del Mar, Green, ...) when I am truly ready. Hopefully it won't be too long, but we'll just see...

My bicycle and me...

The California DMV requires that anyone who suffers a seizure must take a 3 month break from driving a car. Your driver's license is officially suspended once they learn that you have had a seizure. Once you have been "clean" for 3 months, then you can take a driving test and if you pass get your license back...

I am actually not sure if the DMV has officially been notified of the date of my seizure, since I have not heard from them. But in any case, I have promised my medical team to voluntarily comply with the DMV rules, and so I will. So I will not drive an automobile until at least November 4, and only then if my doctors concur that it is safe to do so.

It must be admitted that if a driver of an automobile were to have a gran mal seizure while driving down the road, the consequences could be tragic, not only for him, but for his passengers, for the occupants of other vehicles, and/or pedestrians. So it is clearly a good thing to minimize the risk of that happening, which is the motivation behind the DMV rules.

My new status as a non-driver has introduced lots of complications into our lives, since I can't help out with transporting the kids to/from school, soccer, friends, etc. Frankly, at this time I feel perfectly competent to drive and in no danger whatsoever of another seizure (the tumor is out of there, and just to be safe I take Keppra every day...). But I also know that I am not a medical professional, and can't make this sort of decision. For all I know, there may have been lots of people who have felt the same way, but then did have another seizure. So I'll trust the judgment of my medical team over my own feelings.

I also do recognize there are also some benefits to not being allowed to drive. Chief among them is that I have renewed my relationship with my bicycle. I have an older (~1993) Trek 15-speed mountain bike. I actually never take it up to the mountains, but it works pretty well for day-to-day use on city streets too.

A couple of days ago, I had to take my camera lens over to Samy's Camera to get it fixed. (It doesn't autofocus in low-light conditions.) After I dropped it off, I decided to ride around town a bit before heading home. It was only about 2 or 2:30 pm, Frances and the kids wouldn't be home until about 4 pm, and my next scheduled task (accompanying Frank to take Tim to soccer practice, to act as navigator since Frank didn't know where the soccer field was, and it can be tricky to find) was not until 8 pm.

So instead of heading west down Walnut to go home, I struck out in an easterly direction... I first went north one block to Corson, which borders the 210 freeway, but has very little traffic itself and - most importantly - has a dedicated bike lane! Riding on Corson was very nice, but somewhere (around Sierra Madre Villa, I think), the bike lane stopped. So I went over to Foothill, and rode the short remaining distance to Rosemead. When I got to Rosemead, the traffic was fairly dense, and I was getting tired, so I got off my bike and walked it on the sidewalk. I walked down to Colorado Blvd., and then turned right (west) onto Colorado for a long walk/ride home. I walked past Cost Plus, past the many inexpensive motels from the 1950's (my vintage too...) that line this part of Colorado, and past the many various automotive repair shops, etc. Eventually I reached PCC (Pasadena City College), but instead of taking a left at Hill to go to south the few blocks to Caltech, I kept heading straight until Los Robles, at which point I began shifting southward toward California Blvd. I first took a left turn over to Cordova Street, and walked/rode by the fancy hotels there (the Hilton, the Doubletree), then shifted over to Del Mar for a block or so, then down Marengo to California. (By the way, the block of Marengo between California and Del Mar contains many beautiful, restored Craftsman houses, most of which now seem to be offices for lawyers or accountants.)

At California, I turned right and was now in familiar West Pasadena territory (in contrast to the exotic motels, auto repair shops, etc. of East Pasadena)-- the Chevron station on the corner, Dona Rosa, the Gold Line light rail tracks, etc. And just beyond those lay even more familiar landmarks --Vons, Huntington Hospital, then Singer Park, then Orange Grove Blvd, then ... at long last ... La Loma. I arrived home just about dinner time, after a long afternoon adventure. All in all, I was very pleased with how this very long bike ride / walk went.

How we are doing today

Well, I wanted to let you all know how Erica and I are doing today... I'm pleased to report that we're both doing very well. Erica feels fine, and yesterday played a full AYSO soccer game (about 1 hour). She started back to school last Wednesday, and that seems to be going fine. Today (Sunday) she and Frances are going on a hike in the afternoon with her Girl Scout troop to see their new camp site. She is also practicing now for her first meal away from home, which will happen next weekend, when she goes with her very good friend Clara Sternberg and Clara's parents Paul and Jane to the LA County Fair. Erica will have to do all of the carbohydrate monitoring, etc., by herself! But she's got a full week to learn the procedures...

As for me, I'm doing very well too. I have no noticeable side effects from the chemotherapy or the radiation therapy: no nausea, no headaches, nothing. I almost think: "Hey! Better turn up the dosage! I'm not getting enough side effects here!" (But of course I don't really say that - I know that the dosages are set by lots of experience, and are the values they are because those produce the greatest benefit for the greatest number of people.)

I feel virtually no pain or discomfort of any type. The only symptoms that I could do without are some memory issues... it's not so much that I forget things that happened; instead, I tend to remember things that didn't happen. Usually these are fairly mundane events, not at all different in character from the things that really did happen. I'll find myself thinking, for example, "As I was saying to that guy sitting next to me on the plane the other day..." and then I'll suddenly realize "On the plane?? I haven't been on a plane lately! And strangely enough, I can't remember anything else about this guy I supposedly had a conversation with!"

I think it may just be an over-active imagination... Probably this will all settle down as time goes on, and I stop remembering my dreams so vividly. It is a bit troubling, though, to realize that it is possible to honestly "remember" things that never happened! How, then, can testimony in criminal trials be trusted? If something causes our "imagination" and "fact recalling" circuits in our brains to get mixed up, then how do we know if anything we remember is real? In some ways, that's the worst thing about this - now that I've seen that a few things that I "remember" could not have happened, I find myself asking how I know that other things are real... Until my imagination circuits stop interfering, the only thing I can think of to do is the collect tangible items throughout the day (business cards, etc.), that "prove" I was where I remember being, and that it is not simply a trick of a still-healing brain.

So I hope you won't be offended if next time we meet I make some notes in my notebook about where/when we met, who else was present, etc., or if I pick up cards, brochures, etc. that prove I was there. I'm only doing it because I want our meeting, conversation, trip, or other encounter to stay part of my internal "narrative" of what is happening in my life, and not be tossed out of the narrative in the belief that it must not have happened because I have no "proof" that it did.

I know what I am saying must come across as very odd to many of you. And I hope for your sake your brain circuits controlling constructed storylines (imagination and dreams) and those controlling experienced storylines (true facts) never get their wires crossed!

I have to say this has been an interesting experience, and gives me new (and highly skeptical) perspectives on any study, poll, survey, or clinical trial that relies on self-reporting of "factual" events after the fact! Our brains are not movie cameras, faithfully recording events as they occur. A better analogy is that our brains are producing a "film" every day, and act not only as faithful jounalists, but also as directors, producers, screenwriters, and editors. Depending on the particular mix of these roles in your brain, you may be producing a documentary (but still perhaps with some political or philosophical slant...) or a super-hero fantasy, in which you (or the much thinner, younger, more attractive actor who plays "you" in your mental "film") save the day repeatedly in so many ways, but the other characters never seem to catch on that it is you doing it. (That is, they think you're just Clark Kent, not Superman too.)

Of course, there are lots of other possible story presentations too... buddy movies, situation comedies, horror flicks, highbrow art films, lowbrow "guilty pleasures", history-channel documentaries, etc. Whatever sort of productions your brain specializes in determines your belief about "reality," since there is no other source of objective data, except that that enters through your 5 senses, from which your brain constructs a plausible storyline consistent with the sensory inputs.

So the point of this whole movie analogy (appropriate for me, as a Southern Californian living only minutes away from Hollywood) is to stress that your experience of the world around you is not necessarily the "straight scoop", and just because you are sure of something doesn't necessarily make it so... I think I see this more clearly now, since I know that the balance of power between my "documentarian" and my "screenwriter" is out of whack. But I think it is only a matter of degrees... what I am experiencing now as abnormal (for an engineer who values "the facts") might be considered normal by others, or at least desirable, in the sense that people pay good money for pills to achieve these mental effects that I get for free and would rather not have at all...

Anyway, enough rambling on for one day! The bottom line: Erica is doing just great. I am too in all physical ways. Now if I can just turn down the volume on some of my imagination circuits, I'll be doing great and even be in touch with reality! What a bargain!

[Disclaimer: some statements in this blog post have been exaggerated for purported humor value...]

Home Improvement

Now you might think we would never schedule major home renovation/remodeling work at a time like this, when we are so preoccupied with our health issues. Well, if so, you would be wrong... (Some might argue that this constitutes the clearest evidence to date that I did suffer some damage to the "common sense" center of the brain.)

Actually, I had already made appointments with contractors to get estimates for several different jobs even before our Africa trip. Our old (1913) Craftsman-style house has long been in need of some work, because, well, things simply deteriorate over time. We love living in an older house with character and individuality, but we recognize the price we have to pay for that is the various maladies that come with old age. (Old houses are like old people in some ways...)

White-painted fireplace with part of the paint removed to reveal the original fired ceramic bricks. How do you get all of the white paint off?


Of course, our house, like most older homes, has undergone many different renovations/updates over the years. Some we regard as quite successful: upgrading the wiring, adding forced-air ventilation, modernizng the kitchen and kitchen appliances, etc. But others were less successful, including adding shag carpeting (in the 70's?), painting the living room all white (with the wrong types of paint), etc. Some of our current work consists of undoing the effects of previous "improvements"...

That havng been said, there are certainly limits to how much we want to restore an "authentic Craftsman look". After all, this is not a museum, but a home where a family lives. And our aesthetic tastes include many post-Craftsman "modern" components: jazz, rock and roll, abstract painting, etc. So what we are looking for is something that is Craftsman-inspired, but also informed by modern sensibilities. This is in fact what most magazines and books that have articles about Craftsman house renovation actually present: Someone from the original Craftsman era would be puzzled to find slabs of polished granite in kitchens, pale pastel walls everywhere, litttle boxes called "outlets" in every room that the residents "plug" various contraptions into to make them "come alive", little grilles that blow cold air in the summer and hot air in the winter, etc. And yet, I have no problem with any of these!

For a few years, when the kids were very small, we simply lived with things as they were. It was actually convenient to have old carpeting on the floors when they were toddlers, since we were much less concerned with spills than if we had a floor covering that we actually liked and planned to keep long-term. And falls were softer onto shag carpeting than onto wood...

But once the kids were past the toddler stage, we decided to take up the 70's shag carpeting, and expose the original wood floors. Unfortunately, the wood was in poor condition in many areas, with the result that a new wood floor had to be laid in the living room. In other areas, however, the original floors were fine, although even in these rooms it was necessary to sand the floor back to bare wood, and re-apply the finish.

By the time the floor work was finished, the oak (original or not) floors looked great, but our checking account balance did not, and our patience for further disruption of our lives had worn thin. So we decided to stop for a while. A "while" turned out to be "until the summer of 2007" - a break of about 7 years.

Why now? Well, why not now? I knew I would be spending much more time at home, and the thought of looking at the pink stairwell day after day I found annoying. Upgrading the interior would actually be therapeutic... Also, the kids had complained for years that there was nowhere to play in our "small" yard. So I decided it was high time to give them a more open yard, with more lawn (less deck), and more driveway for skateboarding, skating, etc. (no brick).

So that brings us to where we are today. We first signed a contract for the outdoor (deck, yard, etc.) work. We chose Mr. Handyman for this work (specifically their Pasadena office, run by Jaime R.). We like the work of Jaime and his crews a lot: it is high quality, fairly-priced, and done with open communication with us at every step of the way. For those of you who are local Pasadenans, I recommend Mr. Handyman most highly to you!

To be continued...

Corrections to a previous blog posting

In reading over the blog post "A Sunday Morning to Remember," I realized I had left out some text. This has now been fixed, so you might want to take another look at that one.

Dave