Dave's Brain Blog

"Report from the front:" A fictionalized account of the events of the last few weeks in my ongoing war with an unwelcome tumor

2008-11-17T03:32:00.000-08:00

We are each generals leading our personal battles with cancer. Here's the latest from my battlefield: (WARNING: Fiction Ahead)

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This morning on “Talking with Katie” we have a very special guest: General David Goodwin, who is currently in charge of our troops fighting in the left temporal lobe territory, a region we must hold if w are to win this war, and repel the invader.

K: General Goodwin, first of all, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to talk with us.

D: Katie, I’m happy to do it. But of course, you’re right, when you say that I have a very busy schedule. In fact, I’m due back at the front lines in 30 minutes. We’ve seen some unusual activity in the Image Interpretation Center, where the essential meaning is extracted from the complex data sent from the field by our two optical sensors.

Our enemy pursues his dark ambitions without pause, and so we must remain ever at the ready, knowing that we may be called into battle at any time.

Another point that I should make clear up front: I hope you will understand that even as we speak, battles rage on several fronts. I must assume that the enemy will view this broadcast as well as our troops and supporters, and so I must answer carefully in some cases. And if you ask me certain questions, such as ones about our strategic plans to win this war, I will be forced to refuse to answer.

But within those limits, please feel free to ask what you like, and I will answer to the extent I can.

K: OK, let’s start with a summary of the current status. In your opinion, are we winning or losing this war?

D: Now Katie, that’s just the sort of question I can’t answer. If I say I think we are losing, it would surely demoralize our troops, precisely when we need them most, to help us over the “rough patch” in the road. And it’s not much better if I say I think we are winning. Then the enemy would be emboldened, thinking we had become complacent.

K: OK, let me rephrase the question: General, could you please summarize any new developments on each of the major battlefronts?

D: Yes, I’ll be happy to do so…

K: Great, … but first, a few important messages from our sponsors…

(to be continued)

June Update

2008-06-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long time (once again)... I guess I'd better get out and do some INTERESTING THINGS so that I'll have something to write about!

Well, actually I've got a few things...

Did I happen to mention that I'm writing a (short) story? It's lots of fun, and creative writing is a new experience for me! And to top it off, the story had a good moral: we must stop global warming! But it takes its own sweet time to get to that message....

Here's a little excerpt from the beginning you might find amusing... i

To set the stage: "Mr. Z" or "Zarathustra" and his friends live far away; in fact, they live in a 9-dimensional world outside our universe. Not only that, they actually created our universe! Now they didn't make every thing there is in our universe, they just set the physical parameters and then started the "Big Bang". They generally sit back and watch after that, without further intervention.

Mr. Z and colleagues all work at the "Institute for Universe Studies" and they created our universe in the "Big Bang Machine" (so named by the custodian due to the awful clatter it made) that they had at the Institute. The machine requires you to insert a coin (no free lunch!), set the parameters (e.g. the fine structure constant, the cosmological constant, etc.) and press the button to start. If all goes well, a nice display bottle emerges containing your new universe, suitable for display in your living room or office.

For most choices of parameters, the resulting universe is incompatible with life. The spacetime either never unfurles, or it expands quickly to a cold gas, and never reverses course. Both are quite boring. It is only when the physical parameters satisfy certain relations among themselves that the resulting universes seem capable of supporting any type of life.

Our universe turned out particularly well, and is one of the few they created that actually produced some semi-intelligent creatures (e.g. on the little planet "Earth"). For this reason, watching the development of Earth from a molten fireball to a place with good restaurants has been of great interest to them. So much so, in fact, that they have a "reality" TV series in their world far away, that is called "Watching Little Earth." This show is very popular with the general public in their world, and consists of transmissions of earthling-produced documentaries. For example, there is the one detailing the activities on a certail "Wisteria Drive"; other episodes have shown harrowing escapes from various tropical islands. The have learned through these transmissions from earth, that we play violent games where two teams face off and throw or shoot things at each other. This is not nice! Some people seem to get very seriously hurt in these games. At first, they just threw rocks at each other, but now they have these flying vehicles that they use to drop fireworks of some type on the other team. That hurts! Well, it is all very entertaining, but really they should find more peaceful games to play!

Recently, they noticed that little planet earth seemed to be getting hotter, and it seemed to be due to activities of the homo sapiens species. So they have come to visit with a message. Their goal is to get on Oprah or Larry King to tell all of earth: fix this global warming NOW or ELSE! It seems their Institute budget largely derives from revenue from the "Watching Little Earth" series. If we now mess up the planet so that their public is no longer interested in tuning in, then their Institute will lose so much funding they will be unable to continue their work. They can't allow this to happen. So they are giving us one last change. If we fail, they will sweep our entire galaxy into the nearest blackhold, and recycle the energy and matter into some more useful form. So if we want to avoid being "blackhold food" we'd better get our act together...

And of course, along the way, much hilarity will ensue...

Mr. Z Goes to Earth with a Important Message

A Short Story by
Dave Goodwin
June, 2008

An Early Morning Encounter

I first met “Zarathustra” or “Mr. Z.,” as we affectionately call him now, early one morning last Winter Term. For those of you who don’t live your lives according to the academic calendar, as I (and most people I know) do, “Winter Term” translates roughly to “January to mid-March.” Also, just to dispel any confusion before we begin, Mr. Z is no relation to the Zarathustra of history (6th century BC). He just chose to take his name. But more about that later. Now let’s get back to how this all began…
I remember distinctly that it was very early in the morning on that winter day --- probably about 5 or 6 am --- when I first saw him. In any case, it was still too dark to see much of anything --- trees, buildings, cars, and people were all just black silhouettes against the dark gray overcast sky.
I was taking my usual short cut through the park next to the University where I work, when I ran into Mr. Z. When I say “ran into,” I mean it quite literally, not like

“Oh Honey --- guess who I ran into this morning? Shirley! Remember her? I think you two met once. I think you’d actually like her if you just gave her a chance. Oh, Honey, that was a long time ago. I hadn’t thought of her in years until I ran into her today! ”

No, I literally collided with Zarathustra in the darkness of the park. Now you might think from his rail-thin body that he would come out the worse for a collision with me. But you would be wrong – he really packs a punch! He has abs like steel --- or, considering what we would soon learn, maybe I should just say “he has steel abs.” In any case, the result of our collision was that I found myself splayed out on the path, looking up at Mr. Z standing over me. Now if he were like some of the “tough guys” you sometimes see hanging out in parks like this one, he could have finished me off with a few quick, powerful kicks. But of course we know now that Mr. Z is not like that at all --- he is, above all else, a very decent fellow.
So he smiled and helped me to my feet. He apologized for standing precisely where I was planning to walk. I accepted his apology, and within seconds, I came to see him as the true “gentleman” we all now know him to be, and not as some local thug trying to mug me.
Soon, his entire group surrounded me, and they were all trying to shake my hand at the same, while looking me in the eyes with “sincere” expressions, and saying things like
“Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen!”
“Room for cream?”
“Fries with that?”

As it turned out, they were not really expecting answers from me – they were just practicing their English. Zarathustra explained to me that they were only visiting for a little while, and they live somewhere “very far away.” Judging from their strongly-accented attempts at English, I realized how true this must be. I couldn’t quite place their accent, however. Was it French? If it was, it was some obscure dialect that I had never heard before.
But their clothing suggested they could be French – very avant gard, and very colorful! Each one of them wore a single color – one guy was all “hot pink” and another wore electric blue. Not at all like the “practical” clothes we Engineering Professors wear at the university. On days I’m teaching (MWF), I usually wear a white or beige button-up shirt (but no tie!), tan or dark slacks, a very professorial old tweed sportcoat, and my old, comfortable athletic shoes. On other days (TuThSatSun) I usually just pull on my favorite old brown sweater over a T shirt and a pair of jeans.
But enough about how I dress. Their clothes were much more interesting. Remember those polyester “leisure suits” from the 70’s? Well, their outfits were similar, although the fabric did not seem to be polyester. Instead, it seemed to be something programmable – by turning a few small dials sewn into the side, they could change the color of the fabric, and even its texture and transparency. It was possible to dial in a look of metal mesh, or a very finely woven mirror-like gold or silver, or a fabric woven from brightly tinted plastic polyester-like fibers. But unlike the polyester we know, these fibers seemed to act as optical waveguides! Using tiny fiber couplers in the seams, they could capture light from any external source and use it to illuminate the garment. So if you were outdoors, sitting in the shade, then the outfit would turn bright blue! Now if you stepped out of the shade into direct sunlight, the color would quickly change to brilliant yellow! Of course, all of this is user-configurable using the dials. If you want, for example, to wear a bright red leisure suit that doesn’t change color, all you need to do is to turn off the external coupler, and instead use one of the little diode laser light sources sewn into the seams.
As an engineer,I must say I found this extremely cool. These people may not call themselves “engineers” but they sure do make some incredible stuff! I resolved at that moment that I would try to spend as much time as I could with Mr.~Z and crew, so that I could learn how to build as many cool gadgets as possible before they have to go back home (wherever that may be).

Status as of May 08...

2008-05-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still kicking... but I admit you wouldn't know it by the frequency of blog posts... It seems my last post was over 2 months ago. Sorry about that! I'll try to be a little more frequent...

First of all, I want to say that I send my very best wishes for a full recovery to Senator Kennedy and his family. As a glioma patient myself, I want let Senator Kennedy and his family know that you are in our thoughts!

And also - there really is hope! Research projects now underway at some of the major cancer centers, and at leading research universities, may be leading the way to radically better treatments! One project I know about uses nanoparticles that seek out and bond to the tumor surface to direct the full energy of a radio-frequency source to the tumor and the tumor alone. As a result, the tumor can be heated to a temperature where it is damaged or killed, without the surrounding tissue getting hot at all. Then there are other promising projectts involving genetic therapies, targeted drug delivery, and lots more. I'm really hopeful that before long, cancer will become a manageable chronic diseash, rather than the tragic disease it is today. Scientifically speaking, we are certainly living in interesting times!

If I had any advice for Sen. Kennedy (or anyone else newly diagnosed with a glioma), it would be this: to the extent possible, keep active mentally and physically, and keep on working to make this world a better place. I think the last one is very important but have hardly ever seen it mentioned as a component of recovery from disease. Sometimes it is important to get your thoughts away from your problems, and focused on those who are less fortunate than you are (yes, even though we have brain cancer, we are very fortunate indeed if we have a loving, supportive family, work that we find satisfying, and a network of real friends).

Some general advice for just about anyone, sick or well:

1. Don't spend time thinking about what might have been but wasn't. We can't control the hand of cards we are dealt, but we sure can determine how we play them!

2. Don't give in to anger. There is probably no reason you got this - it was likely a random mutation of some protein or DNA molecule somewhere in your brain... maybe you just happened to be standing in the way of the wrong gamma particle from the sun at the wrong time... It wasn't what you ate, or anything you said or did or thought. It just happened. But once it has taken an initial foothold, I do think it is possible for all of these things to combine to fight it and ideally destroy it while it is small. Exercise, a healthy diet, a genuine positive attitude, lack of stress, and good, satisfying relationships with friends and family, are all important in fighting the small cancer cells before then develop into large tumors.

3. None of us gets out of this thing we call "life" alive. We all have a finite lifespan. It is only a matter of degree that separates cancer patients from nominally "healthy" people. Of course, we want to have every precious moment that we can. But remember, every day the newspaper has stories of young people who die at the hands of other young people, or at their own hands. I think that combination of guns, cars, testosterone, and poverty is a deadly mix, and probably injures or kills more people every day than does brain cancer.

4. Don't play the "blame game". No one gave you this disease. "They" are not out to get you. Nor is it your fault or God's fault. It was just random chance, and unfortunately this time your number came up. I'm much happier with the random-chance idea, than the idea that God is "out to get me." Now that would be truly scary!

Coming soon to a blog near you

2008-03-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

My Parkinson's symptoms suddenly become amplified. I go into an :"on/off" pattern. About 60 to 90 minutes later, I am "on" and can walk amd move in general very well

4 hours later: sinement no longer effective.

(more to come soon...)

Drawing and Painting

2008-03-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have always enjoyed drawing and painting. Over the years, I'ven taken a few studio art classes, starting with a few classes at Stanford (summer just-for-fun classes in ceramics and painting, a figure drawing class with Nathan Oliviera, and then another figure drawing class at Foothill Junior College. Then about 1984. At the end of my time at Stanford, I went to a few figure drawing sessions put on by some of the MFA students. After I left Stanford and settled into Munich, my artistic inclinations took a backseat for a while, since who can really compete with the old masters?

Then for the next 10 years I hardly did any painting at all... Finally, I decided to try it again... Well, the rest is history... I went through a period of intensive artisic activity, during which I painted probably more than 10 paintings, did lots o pastel sketchs, etc. Now I've once again lapsed a bit, but my new goal is to paint some new works! Maybe I'll even start one this afternoon...

So why am I mentioning this? Well, painting is a good way to de-stress, keep the fingers limber, and generally promote health... And we all know how important a positive attitude and a relaxed, stress-free environment are for fighting cancer. This must be the only kind of battle that you fight by relaxing -- well, if that is what it is going to take, then sign me up!

Here we go again...

2008-03-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

Hi! Welcome or welcome back to my blog! It has been quite a while since I posted anything (October). I was thinking that nothing interesting was happening any more, once the surgery was finished, and I gradually resumed my normal life. Well, I think I assumed too much... as it turns out, my life is once again "interesting" (in both positive and negative ways). But to cut to the chase: I'm doing well - I feel good, have had lots of visits from friends old and new, and (at least on most days) still remain optomisic, without being in pie-in-the sky denial. I know how tough it is to beat Glioblastome, but I'm ready to go to battle!

I'm Baaaaaack!

2008-03-05T06:27:00.001-08:00

Just when you thought it was safe to go online, there's another post from me on "MyBrainyBrainBlog!" Well, I think I'm as surprised as you are... It seemed to me that after my birthday party in October, that everything else was going to be anticlimactic, as I went about resuming daily life. So as my attention turned to other things, blogging gave way to other activities...

Little did I know what was in store!

I'm starting up the blog again, and will try in my next post to summarize the period from October to now (early March). But first, the bottom line: I'm still here and kicking, and on the whole am feeling very good! So with that, I'll stop for now, and actually get busy doing something productive around the house here, like cleaning, maybe doing some laundery, etc. But watch for another post in a few hours!

Dave

Return to Normality...

2007-10-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

Well, as time goes on, life around here is getting back to normal. My radiation therapy is finished, although the chemotherapy will continue for some time. I'm happy to report that all signs so far look very positive! (Well, except for my perpetual bad hair day... but that's a minor concern, and anyway will probably improve eventually...)

My posts to this blog will probably become less frequent, but the blog itself will remain up, so that you can go back to old posts and view the highlights (for example, a video of an "old" man trying to shoot free-throws, etc.)

For those of you who are interested in keeping up with our regular daily lives (probably only family will be interested in this!) and occasional trips to exotic or not-so-exotic places, you might try my other blog (http://dggoodwin.blogspot.com).

And remember, as far as this "brain" blog goes... no news is good news!

Now that's what I call a party!

2007-10-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday (October 14) I had the greatest birthday party I have EVER had! (OK, maybe it does mean I've just passed the half-century mark, but other than that it was fantastic!)

To those of you who were there, thanks so much for taking the time from your busy schedules to celebrate with us! And to those who couldn't make it but kept us in your thoughts - thank you too!

I've got some (actually lots) of pictures of the big event. (Who's the guy with the "punk" haircut?) If you'd like to take a look, go to http://picasaweb.google.com/dggoodwin07 and select one of the 3 party photo albums).

Special thanks to Toni Morrissey and Huayang Zhu for taking so many great photos!

Radiation Therapy

2007-10-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

I have been in radiation therapy since my surgery. The idea is that the radiation (in combination with chemotherapy) kills the microscopic bits of tumor tissue around the edges of the tumor cavity that were too small for the neurosurgeon to see or remove surgically. The process lasts 6 weeks, and so this is my last week. To mark this occassion, I brought my camera in yesterday. Some of the results are shown below...

View of yours truly as seen on the video monitor. (I didn't know they sold these machines at BigLots! The price is certainly right...)

For each patient, they make a mask out of a plastic mesh material that can be pressed to fit the contours of the patient's head, and then cured (somehow) to harden it in this shape. This allows them to precisely position the patient's head each time, so that the beam irradiates the same spot every time. Didn't Hannibal Lechter wear one of these things?

The radiation source is a linear accelerator that generates X-ray radiation at specific energies. The entire machine can be rotated on several axes so that the beam can come from any desired angle, depending on the location of the tumor, and the locations of important things that shouldn't be in the beam path (eyes, etc.). This is a lot better than the alternative of rotating the patient!

I must say I have been very impressed with all of the people who work in the Radiation Therapy department at Huntington Hospital, from Dr. Lam, who heads the department, to the expert physicists who design the procedures, to the technicians who actually run the machines. One of the positives of this whole thing has been meeting this great group of people!

On the Road Again...

2007-10-08T00:29:00.000-07:00

The biggest news of the last few days is that I am once again permitted to drive a car! My first trip was straight to the carwash, to remove the thick layer of dust that had accumulated over the last few weeks. Then on to OSH, Starbucks, and other local haunts I had missed going to...

No more need to risk my health by bicycling down busy traffic-filled streets to get to Caltech... I do want to thank my team of "drivers" (you know who you are) who so generously gave of their time to shuttle me between home, hospital, work, doctor's offices, etc. I appreciate it very much, and if you ever need anything that I can help with, just let me know!

Feeling in a very good mood, I was an easy mark when Tim mentioned that it sure would be nice to have an electric guitar... (or maybe I mentioned it first to him?). In any case, Saturday morning we drove over to our local Guitar Center to look over their large selection of electric guitars and amps. We found a Fender guitar that seemed to be just the thing we were looking for... Classic Stratocaster style, cool two-tone paint job... what more could we want? So, feeling generous, and thinking that maybe there is still time to become a rock-and-roll star, I agreed to purchase it. Tim is kicking in some from his own money too, so it will officially belong to both of us...

So our house, where normally one hears sounds of classical piano and guitar, now reverberates with rock and roll... or at least it did until we added headphones to the amp so that it is possible to "rock on" without disturbing others. For my part, I can't quite figure out how to hold the thing. It is very heavy, and my normal classical guitar posture doesn't seem to work at all. It seems one needs to wear a strap, and stand up (preferably in a defiant, rebellious stance) to play it. I have played it a bit, but don't really know what I am doing, although I have learned that classical pieces are not particularly enhanced by lots of overdrive and reverb...

I think my loyalty will remain with classical guitar first, with only occasional forays into the wilder world of rock guitar. I think Tim, however, will take to it, and might even take lessons.

Now that I am driving again, the rhythms of daily life are resuming, which is a very good thing. After this week, I won't have any more radiation therapy treatments, and so I will resume driving the kids to school in the mornings. Then since I'll be just across the street from Caltech, I might as well go into the office and actually get some work done... I am aware of several deadlines approaching (program review meetings, kick-off meetings for new programs, proposals to write, a new energy course that I will offer starting in January that still needs lots of preparation...) so it is time to get moving, and make up for the last few distraction-filled weeks.

One unfortunate consequence of returning to "normality" (whatever that is) is less time for blogging, and fewer blog-worthy events. My issues with balance, memory, and other things that were the subject of much blog discussion, are now largely receding, as the healing process proceeds, and the dosages of various strong medications are ramped down (and for some, discontinued when no longer needed). So as a result, my posts to this blog may become less frequent, and perhaps less interesting... anyway, I'll keep posting as long as there are things that are interesting enough!

But if you don't hear from me in a while, have no fear... I'm probably just out picking up the kids from school, or driving them to soccer, or holed up in my office writing a proposal or paper, or in some committee meeting at Caltech, or doing one of the many other things that define my "normal" life....

Old Photos

2007-10-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

Well, since I'm spending a little more time at home than usual, I noticed that some of our old photo albums are starting to slowly deteriorate. So I've embarked on a new project to photograph all of our old paper photographs to create digital versions that are easier to share, won't deteriorate, and show us as we wish we still looked but don't...

Here are a few of the results so far (not in chronological order!):

I'll post more old photos as I get more of them digitized!

Visit by Steve Harris

2007-09-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything to the blog... sorry about the delay, but I've been busy with some other things. I'll try to post something every day, so that you don't need to worry that your Faithful Bloggist is no longer blog-capable...

The biggest recent event is that Steve Harris, my long-time friend and scientific collaborator from CVD diamond days, stopped by early Saturday morning and we went out to breakfast (at IHOP - the "International House of Pancakes"). Steve lives in Michigan, where he works for a Big 3 automaker in their Research Laboratory. Steve is a physical chemist, and is very well known for work on the chemistry of soot formation, mechanisms for low-pressure diamond deposition, tribology, and probably other areas that I don't know about too...

Steve and I first met shortly after I started working in the field of low-pressure diamond synthesis using Chemical Vapor Deposition (CVD). I'm not 100% sure, but I think we met at the first CVD diamond meeting (of which there would be many more over the next few years...) that I ever went to, which would have been in 1989 in Dallas, TX. Steve was already active in the field when I started, and as I recall he was one of the Invited Speakers at this meeting. We ultimately wrote several papers together, but that was not until a few years later.

[CAUTION: Science ahead! For you non-technical types, you are permitted to skip this section... scroll down until you see "IHOP". To my graduate students: you are not permitted to skip this section...]

One of the first things that drew us together is that I showed by means of simulations that a CH3-based reaction mechanism that Steve had already proposed for low-pressure, low-rate diamond CVD also gave the right growth rates for high-pressure CVD processes such as plasma torches and flames, when one properly accounts for the transport of reactants and products to and from the substrate through the boundary layer. It was thought that some other mechanism must be active in these systems, since there just wasn't enough CH3 in these plasmas or flames to account for the high growth rates - the temperatures were so high that the carbon was tied up in species like C, CH, C2, C2H2, etc. But I showed that right before the substrate, as the gas cools off in the thin (less than 1 mm thick) boundary layer, just enough CH3 is produced to explain the observed growth rates.

For more light reading on this topic, might I recommend...

S. J. Harris and D. G. Goodwin, “Growth on the Reconstructed Diamond (100) Surface,” Journal of Physical Chemistry 97 (1), 23-28, 1993 (feature article).

D. G. Goodwin, “Simulations of High Rate Diamond Synthesis: Methyl as Growth Species,” Applied Physics Letters 59 (3), 277-279, 1991.

S. J. Harris, H. S. Shin, and D. G. Goodwin, “Diamond Films from Combustion of Methyl Acetylene and Propadiene,” Applied Physics Letters 66, 891-893, 1995.

OK, now to the important stuff... I had a Country Omelette with pancakes on the side at IHOP. (I have to confess, I don't quite remember what Steve ordered... you now how it is with my memory loss, etc. However, I am happy to report I remember in detail everything about my delicious Country Omelette and the excellent pancakes, which I ate with strawberry syrup.)

Steve and I had a very good breakfast and a very good visit. Of course we talked some about our current scientific interests - particularly lithium-ion batteries, which, according to an "unnamed highly-placed chemist at a big 3 auto maker" (I won't tell if you won't) are going to be very important for electric vehicles. These batteries work in a very interesting, but poorly-understood way, so there is lots of fun research to do for those who are so inclined...

But we also talked about "big picture" issues of "what's it all about." I'm not sure we came to any definite conclusions, but we agreed that we liked, in principle, the idea that there is something more to life than just molecules doing what they do... but that's about as far as we got. Maybe this will require multiple IHOP breakfasts to figure out... I'm ready to tackle it: It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Anyway, Steve: thanks for stopping by, and I hope your high school reunion Saturday night went well!

Home Improvement Update

2007-09-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

Things are progressing well on the home improvement front... The biggest recent event was the pouring of concrete for our expanded driveway/basketball court/skateboard area. Here are some photos of the pour.

We're also progressing well on exterior landscaping. We have the plans formulated of what we want to do, and the work will begin soon. Our major objectives are to create more lawn space, and to clear out the visual clutter of many small shrubs, flowers, etc., in favor of a cleaner, simpler, more open look.

Some modified blog posts...

2007-09-23T06:03:00.000-07:00

I have gotten into the habit of posting things to the blog shortly after the events occur in a form that is a bit rough around the edges (a first draft). As time permits, I come back later and clean up the text, resulting in the final draft. I've now done this for my posts describing my recent bicycling (mis)adventures. So if you'd like to read the (more or less) "final" draft of these, they are now ready for your viewing pleasure...

Biking to work... maybe not such a good idea

2007-09-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

Flush with the success of my long afternoon bike ride, I decided to bike to Caltech on Friday. Unfortunately, it was not entirely successful.

I was a little bit shaky on my feet for some unknown reason (I had taken my meds), but I figured once I got on the bike everything would be fine. And most of the way there, things were in fact fine. I rode on the right-hand edge of the right-most lane, and occasionally on the sidewalk, when the lanes were so narrow that a car could not pass me without coming uncomfortably close to me.

I made it all the way to Caltech (about 2 miles), and then at the traffic light by the tennis courts, I went up onto the sidewalk to push the button for pedestrians crossing in the crosswalk. My plan was to get off at this point, and walk the short remaining distance to my office. But as I started to dismount on the sidewalk, I lost my balance, and ended up falling backwards and sprawling out onto the sidewalk. As I fell, I hit the back of my head on the traffic light pole, which would have probably hurt quite a bit, had I not been wearing my helmet. I was not seriously (or even unseriously) injured, so I stood back up and dusted myself off. A student waiting for the walk signal asked me if I were OK, and I assured her that I was -- just a bit embarrassed, perhaps.

On the way back home in the afternoon, I unfortunately had another crash. This one was near Arroyo Parkway, also on the sidewalk. No one else was involved, and no one was hurt. Still, I was quite disappointed to have two crashes on this simple route I had ridden many times before without any crash. It showed me that I am not yet at 100% capability, and suggested that I be a bit more conservative in setting my bike-riding goals. Maybe I am not yet ready for a 2-mile ride down California Blvd, full of traffic and lots of traffic signals.

I think for a while at least, I will restrict my bike riding to streets in the neighborhood, many of which only have traffic due to local residents coming and going, and are very wide and fairly level. Oh well, maybe I was pushing the recovery schedule too much. I'll take things one step at a time, and only allow myself to ride to Caltech, or ride on any of the busy Pasadena thoroughfares without marked bike lanes (California, Del Mar, Green, ...) when I am truly ready. Hopefully it won't be too long, but we'll just see...

My bicycle and me...

2007-09-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

The California DMV requires that anyone who suffers a seizure must take a 3 month break from driving a car. Your driver's license is officially suspended once they learn that you have had a seizure. Once you have been "clean" for 3 months, then you can take a driving test and if you pass get your license back...

I am actually not sure if the DMV has officially been notified of the date of my seizure, since I have not heard from them. But in any case, I have promised my medical team to voluntarily comply with the DMV rules, and so I will. So I will not drive an automobile until at least November 4, and only then if my doctors concur that it is safe to do so.

It must be admitted that if a driver of an automobile were to have a gran mal seizure while driving down the road, the consequences could be tragic, not only for him, but for his passengers, for the occupants of other vehicles, and/or pedestrians. So it is clearly a good thing to minimize the risk of that happening, which is the motivation behind the DMV rules.

My new status as a non-driver has introduced lots of complications into our lives, since I can't help out with transporting the kids to/from school, soccer, friends, etc. Frankly, at this time I feel perfectly competent to drive and in no danger whatsoever of another seizure (the tumor is out of there, and just to be safe I take Keppra every day...). But I also know that I am not a medical professional, and can't make this sort of decision. For all I know, there may have been lots of people who have felt the same way, but then did have another seizure. So I'll trust the judgment of my medical team over my own feelings.

I also do recognize there are also some benefits to not being allowed to drive. Chief among them is that I have renewed my relationship with my bicycle. I have an older (~1993) Trek 15-speed mountain bike. I actually never take it up to the mountains, but it works pretty well for day-to-day use on city streets too.

A couple of days ago, I had to take my camera lens over to Samy's Camera to get it fixed. (It doesn't autofocus in low-light conditions.) After I dropped it off, I decided to ride around town a bit before heading home. It was only about 2 or 2:30 pm, Frances and the kids wouldn't be home until about 4 pm, and my next scheduled task (accompanying Frank to take Tim to soccer practice, to act as navigator since Frank didn't know where the soccer field was, and it can be tricky to find) was not until 8 pm.

So instead of heading west down Walnut to go home, I struck out in an easterly direction... I first went north one block to Corson, which borders the 210 freeway, but has very little traffic itself and - most importantly - has a dedicated bike lane! Riding on Corson was very nice, but somewhere (around Sierra Madre Villa, I think), the bike lane stopped. So I went over to Foothill, and rode the short remaining distance to Rosemead. When I got to Rosemead, the traffic was fairly dense, and I was getting tired, so I got off my bike and walked it on the sidewalk. I walked down to Colorado Blvd., and then turned right (west) onto Colorado for a long walk/ride home. I walked past Cost Plus, past the many inexpensive motels from the 1950's (my vintage too...) that line this part of Colorado, and past the many various automotive repair shops, etc. Eventually I reached PCC (Pasadena City College), but instead of taking a left at Hill to go to south the few blocks to Caltech, I kept heading straight until Los Robles, at which point I began shifting southward toward California Blvd. I first took a left turn over to Cordova Street, and walked/rode by the fancy hotels there (the Hilton, the Doubletree), then shifted over to Del Mar for a block or so, then down Marengo to California. (By the way, the block of Marengo between California and Del Mar contains many beautiful, restored Craftsman houses, most of which now seem to be offices for lawyers or accountants.)

At California, I turned right and was now in familiar West Pasadena territory (in contrast to the exotic motels, auto repair shops, etc. of East Pasadena)-- the Chevron station on the corner, Dona Rosa, the Gold Line light rail tracks, etc. And just beyond those lay even more familiar landmarks --Vons, Huntington Hospital, then Singer Park, then Orange Grove Blvd, then ... at long last ... La Loma. I arrived home just about dinner time, after a long afternoon adventure. All in all, I was very pleased with how this very long bike ride / walk went.

How we are doing today

2007-09-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I wanted to let you all know how Erica and I are doing today... I'm pleased to report that we're both doing very well. Erica feels fine, and yesterday played a full AYSO soccer game (about 1 hour). She started back to school last Wednesday, and that seems to be going fine. Today (Sunday) she and Frances are going on a hike in the afternoon with her Girl Scout troop to see their new camp site. She is also practicing now for her first meal away from home, which will happen next weekend, when she goes with her very good friend Clara Sternberg and Clara's parents Paul and Jane to the LA County Fair. Erica will have to do all of the carbohydrate monitoring, etc., by herself! But she's got a full week to learn the procedures...

As for me, I'm doing very well too. I have no noticeable side effects from the chemotherapy or the radiation therapy: no nausea, no headaches, nothing. I almost think: "Hey! Better turn up the dosage! I'm not getting enough side effects here!" (But of course I don't really say that - I know that the dosages are set by lots of experience, and are the values they are because those produce the greatest benefit for the greatest number of people.)

I feel virtually no pain or discomfort of any type. The only symptoms that I could do without are some memory issues... it's not so much that I forget things that happened; instead, I tend to remember things that didn't happen. Usually these are fairly mundane events, not at all different in character from the things that really did happen. I'll find myself thinking, for example, "As I was saying to that guy sitting next to me on the plane the other day..." and then I'll suddenly realize "On the plane?? I haven't been on a plane lately! And strangely enough, I can't remember anything else about this guy I supposedly had a conversation with!"

I think it may just be an over-active imagination... Probably this will all settle down as time goes on, and I stop remembering my dreams so vividly. It is a bit troubling, though, to realize that it is possible to honestly "remember" things that never happened! How, then, can testimony in criminal trials be trusted? If something causes our "imagination" and "fact recalling" circuits in our brains to get mixed up, then how do we know if anything we remember is real? In some ways, that's the worst thing about this - now that I've seen that a few things that I "remember" could not have happened, I find myself asking how I know that other things are real... Until my imagination circuits stop interfering, the only thing I can think of to do is the collect tangible items throughout the day (business cards, etc.), that "prove" I was where I remember being, and that it is not simply a trick of a still-healing brain.

So I hope you won't be offended if next time we meet I make some notes in my notebook about where/when we met, who else was present, etc., or if I pick up cards, brochures, etc. that prove I was there. I'm only doing it because I want our meeting, conversation, trip, or other encounter to stay part of my internal "narrative" of what is happening in my life, and not be tossed out of the narrative in the belief that it must not have happened because I have no "proof" that it did.

I know what I am saying must come across as very odd to many of you. And I hope for your sake your brain circuits controlling constructed storylines (imagination and dreams) and those controlling experienced storylines (true facts) never get their wires crossed!

I have to say this has been an interesting experience, and gives me new (and highly skeptical) perspectives on any study, poll, survey, or clinical trial that relies on self-reporting of "factual" events after the fact! Our brains are not movie cameras, faithfully recording events as they occur. A better analogy is that our brains are producing a "film" every day, and act not only as faithful jounalists, but also as directors, producers, screenwriters, and editors. Depending on the particular mix of these roles in your brain, you may be producing a documentary (but still perhaps with some political or philosophical slant...) or a super-hero fantasy, in which you (or the much thinner, younger, more attractive actor who plays "you" in your mental "film") save the day repeatedly in so many ways, but the other characters never seem to catch on that it is you doing it. (That is, they think you're just Clark Kent, not Superman too.)

Of course, there are lots of other possible story presentations too... buddy movies, situation comedies, horror flicks, highbrow art films, lowbrow "guilty pleasures", history-channel documentaries, etc. Whatever sort of productions your brain specializes in determines your belief about "reality," since there is no other source of objective data, except that that enters through your 5 senses, from which your brain constructs a plausible storyline consistent with the sensory inputs.

So the point of this whole movie analogy (appropriate for me, as a Southern Californian living only minutes away from Hollywood) is to stress that your experience of the world around you is not necessarily the "straight scoop", and just because you are sure of something doesn't necessarily make it so... I think I see this more clearly now, since I know that the balance of power between my "documentarian" and my "screenwriter" is out of whack. But I think it is only a matter of degrees... what I am experiencing now as abnormal (for an engineer who values "the facts") might be considered normal by others, or at least desirable, in the sense that people pay good money for pills to achieve these mental effects that I get for free and would rather not have at all...

Anyway, enough rambling on for one day! The bottom line: Erica is doing just great. I am too in all physical ways. Now if I can just turn down the volume on some of my imagination circuits, I'll be doing great and even be in touch with reality! What a bargain!

[Disclaimer: some statements in this blog post have been exaggerated for purported humor value...]

Home Improvement

2007-09-13T22:07:00.001-07:00

Now you might think we would never schedule major home renovation/remodeling work at a time like this, when we are so preoccupied with our health issues. Well, if so, you would be wrong... (Some might argue that this constitutes the clearest evidence to date that I did suffer some damage to the "common sense" center of the brain.)

Actually, I had already made appointments with contractors to get estimates for several different jobs even before our Africa trip. Our old (1913) Craftsman-style house has long been in need of some work, because, well, things simply deteriorate over time. We love living in an older house with character and individuality, but we recognize the price we have to pay for that is the various maladies that come with old age. (Old houses are like old people in some ways...)

White-painted fireplace with part of the paint removed to reveal the original fired ceramic bricks. How do you get all of the white paint off?

Of course, our house, like most older homes, has undergone many different renovations/updates over the years. Some we regard as quite successful: upgrading the wiring, adding forced-air ventilation, modernizng the kitchen and kitchen appliances, etc. But others were less successful, including adding shag carpeting (in the 70's?), painting the living room all white (with the wrong types of paint), etc. Some of our current work consists of undoing the effects of previous "improvements"...

That havng been said, there are certainly limits to how much we want to restore an "authentic Craftsman look". After all, this is not a museum, but a home where a family lives. And our aesthetic tastes include many post-Craftsman "modern" components: jazz, rock and roll, abstract painting, etc. So what we are looking for is something that is Craftsman-inspired, but also informed by modern sensibilities. This is in fact what most magazines and books that have articles about Craftsman house renovation actually present: Someone from the original Craftsman era would be puzzled to find slabs of polished granite in kitchens, pale pastel walls everywhere, litttle boxes called "outlets" in every room that the residents "plug" various contraptions into to make them "come alive", little grilles that blow cold air in the summer and hot air in the winter, etc. And yet, I have no problem with any of these!

For a few years, when the kids were very small, we simply lived with things as they were. It was actually convenient to have old carpeting on the floors when they were toddlers, since we were much less concerned with spills than if we had a floor covering that we actually liked and planned to keep long-term. And falls were softer onto shag carpeting than onto wood...

But once the kids were past the toddler stage, we decided to take up the 70's shag carpeting, and expose the original wood floors. Unfortunately, the wood was in poor condition in many areas, with the result that a new wood floor had to be laid in the living room. In other areas, however, the original floors were fine, although even in these rooms it was necessary to sand the floor back to bare wood, and re-apply the finish.

By the time the floor work was finished, the oak (original or not) floors looked great, but our checking account balance did not, and our patience for further disruption of our lives had worn thin. So we decided to stop for a while. A "while" turned out to be "until the summer of 2007" - a break of about 7 years.

Why now? Well, why not now? I knew I would be spending much more time at home, and the thought of looking at the pink stairwell day after day I found annoying. Upgrading the interior would actually be therapeutic... Also, the kids had complained for years that there was nowhere to play in our "small" yard. So I decided it was high time to give them a more open yard, with more lawn (less deck), and more driveway for skateboarding, skating, etc. (no brick).

So that brings us to where we are today. We first signed a contract for the outdoor (deck, yard, etc.) work. We chose Mr. Handyman for this work (specifically their Pasadena office, run by Jaime R.). We like the work of Jaime and his crews a lot: it is high quality, fairly-priced, and done with open communication with us at every step of the way. For those of you who are local Pasadenans, I recommend Mr. Handyman most highly to you!

To be continued...

Corrections to a previous blog posting

2007-09-10T16:23:00.001-07:00

In reading over the blog post "A Sunday Morning to Remember," I realized I had left out some text. This has now been fixed, so you might want to take another look at that one.

Dave

Hey, No Fair!

2007-09-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

Now you might think that God or "the Gods" (depending on your persuasion) would be content to present a family with major challenges one at a time. Turns out not to be the case.

When we got back from Cayucos, Erica became very tired and lethargic. All she could do was sleep. We began to think this was something more than a simple case of the flu, as I first thought, since she had no detectable fever. Frances took her in to Huntington Hospital, and quickly they had the diagnosis: Type I Diabetes. This is the type of diabetes that typically begins in childhood (around Erica's age of 10), and is not the result of poor diet, or obesity (NONE of which Erica has), but seems to be just one of those things that happens sometimes, due to some random mutation.

As I understand it, in Type I Diabetes, the pancreas simply has too few cells that make the insulin that is needed to "unlock" the cell walls so that the glucose (sugar) in the bloodstream can get into the cells where it is needed to provide the energy for the cell to carry out its task. Unlike Type II Diabetes, where the insulin produced is somehow altered so that it is not capable of "unlocking" the cells anymore, in Type I the insulin produced is still high quality, but there is just not enough of it to do the job.

(To the doctors and biologists reading this: I hope you will excuse this oversimplified explanation... it is based on an explanation given by the Huntington medical staff to the CHILDREN, and designed for 10 year olds with no previous exposure to biology. So it was just right for me!)

Apparently there is a very promising line of research in which stem cells may be specialized to become extra insulin-producing cells of the pancreas. So maybe before long diabetes will become a curable disease! Yet another reason to support stem cell research! (I don't know if the stem cells in question are adult or embryonic...)

But for the time being, the treatment for Type I Diabetes is to manually and very carefully control the blood sugar level, using external insulin, and by carefully watching one's diet, so that levels of various things in the blood stay at acceptable levels. With computers and more sensitive detectors, this is getting much easier than it was in the "old" days. So Type I Diabetes is a manageable, chronic disease.

Very many people lead full and fulfilling lives with Type I Diabetes. Erica's AYSO Soccer Coach (and a good friend of ours, and neighbor on our block) said that he once had a girl on the team he coached who had an insulin pump that she ran during games, especially when she needed a bit more energy on the field. As a mechanical engineer, this reminds me of supercharging (or turbocharging) an internal combustion engine, or adding an afterburner to a jet engine. Maybe I'll be the first one at Caltech to have a turbocharged kid!

Anyway, all joking aside, Erica is handling this like a champion. She is not complaining at all, and is usually more concerned about how the rest of us are holding up than how she is, because that's just Erica - one of the most giving, considerate, sweet, and kind people you are likely ever to meet (in the opinion of her dad...) She knows she is strong so she's not worried about herself (but she's not so sure about the rest of us...). As her dad, I must say I am very, very proud of her! (I would like to take some credit for the genes she got from my side, but actually I think these qualities may be "Teng" genes. OK, let's compromise and say both contribute...)

She is already reading about how to give herself insulin shots, and learning which foods she can eat, which she can't, how to account for the "carbohydrate content" of each item of a meal and stay within budget, etc. I am very confident that she will come through this with flying colors! (And yet, I still think it is somehow "unfair" that she has to go through this at all.... Oh well, nothing good can come from following that line of thinking. No use in complaining - all we can do is take whatever comes our way and make the very best we can from it.)

She has spent the last 2 nights in the hospital, with Frances sleeping on a couch in the room, right by her side. But tonight she gets to come home! I am looking forward to having my little girl back where she should be! However, she has more nuanced feelings.... although she too misses all of us, they do serve quite a good breakfast, selected from a menu just like in a restaurant, the bed can be adjusted to a comfortable angle to watch TV (and they have quite a few cable channels), and all you are expected to do is rest, eat, read, watch TV, play games, ... (no chores, homework, etc.). Hard to compete with that... but we'll do what we can - we'll at least clean up around here so she comes home to a sparkling clean house. Well, that will at least please Frances, but maybe we'd also better pick up some tasty (but approved and appropriate) treats to win over Erica... OK, I guess I'd better get into action and shape this place up!

"My, What a Beautiful Brain You Have!"

2007-09-08T03:25:00.000-07:00

I asked for and was given the pathology slides prepared from the tissue taken during the surgery on August 12. Liz Boyd took pitures of the slides using the microscope in George Rossman's lab at Caltech (Geology). She also measured Raman and fluorescence spectra.

I actually have no idea what the various features are in these pictures. Can someone enlighten us regarded the structures shown in these images?

(Note: you need Adobe Flash Player to see these images)

News from Shingle Springs

2007-09-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sounds like you guys had a great time in Cayucos. We would have loved to have been with you. Unfortunately, my doctor had just put me on some new medicine for my osteoarthritis (wearing out of joints...aka old age) so we thought it best we stay home.

For those who don't know, I'm Dave's dad. His mother, Verma, and I live in rural Shingle Springs, California about 30 miles east of Sacramento. We are in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains at roughly 1500ft elevation. We live on five acres and are surrounded by folks who have five or more acres. We have deer, Jack rabbits, squirrels, wild turkeys, birds and an occasional skunk. We have no livestock or pets of our own. We have had many dogs and cats over the years but those years are behind us. We have made our last trip to the vet with an old dog or cat that had to be put down.

Downtown Shingle Springs, about three miles from us, was once a thriving community of gold prospectors, hotels and saloons. Now it's a few restaurants, antique shops, car dealers, real estate offices, etc. There is and old railroad station where the daily train from Sacramento ended it's run 100 years ago. It's now a small market.

In those early years the railroad didn't go any farther than Shingle Springs so at a long loading dock the freight was unloaded and transferred to large wagons pulled by mules to take the freight on over the mountains to Placerville and places beyond. We have a bunch of second growth oak trees (sprouted from an old stump) and neighbors tell us that was where trees were cut down to provide firewood for the trains.

We are about 20 minutes from Coloma, California where gold was discovered in 1848 which brought on the gold rush of 1849.

For a week or so I have been pressure washing sidewalks around the house and garage. I just bought this small pressure washer which puts out 1550 psi of water pressure. It does the job of removing dirt, grime, moss, etc. that has built up over the last 18-20 years on sidewalks I poured years ago. That's sort of what I do just keeping things up around here.

Yesterday, I went in to Sacramento to visit my daughter, Ellen, and her family.
One of the boys has a wooden bed that needs some work on it. I sized up the job and we made a trip to Lowe's in my pickup truck to get some materials but only after she provided lunch for me...works every time. I'll return soon and hopefully fix the bed.

While I was there she had me look at an Adirondack chair that needed some work on it...well I hauled it home and it's in my garage-shop. I think it will be good for at least another lunch.

We are watching the blog everyday for what's going on in Pasadena. A bunch of relatives back east are also reading it every day. My brother, Dick, says it's the high point of his day...he doesn't get out much. Ha!

Dad

Our Last Day in Cayucos

2007-09-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

Well, all good things must eventually come to an end, and Monday (Labor Day) it was time for us to drive back home to Pasadena. We decided we would leave about 8 pm, with the goal of getting home before midnight. The kids (and I) could sleep in the car, so we didn't need to sacrifice precious beach time just to drive home, at least as long as Frances was able to stay awake.

This also gave us some time to do some more fun things... We had a picnic lunch at the beach outside our motel, played in the water a bit (I went in up to about 6 inches depth...), and later went to dinner at Skippers. We ate out on the back patio at Skippers, and it was actually a bit cool... We knew that LA had hit a peak temperature over the weekend of 109 F, and we were about to head back into that heat... So when Erica said she was shivering, I told her to try to save that feeling so that she can recollect it when we're back to Pasadena and it is boiling hot. I'm not sure that actually works, but in any case our food soon came, which warmed us all up. She had ordered hot, spicy chili, and so very soon she forgot all about being "chilly" once she tasted here "chili", which may have had some "chiles" added too.

We left Cayucos about 8 pm, and everything was fine until just a bit north of Santa Barbara. The traffic began to become heavier, cars slowed down, and eventually all south-bound lanes of Highway 101 came to a complete stop. We found out the next morning that the problem was a brushfire. Because of this fire, all southbound lanes of 101 were closed!

So we were stuck. According to the map, there were very few other ways to get to Pasadena. We decided to backtrack a considerable distance, all the way through Buellton, and then perhaps another 10 miles. We would go to highway 457, which met up later with !01 just south of Santa Barbara and beyond the brush fire zone.

This detour worked, and once we got back on 101 south of Santa Barbara, the rest was smooth sailng. We got home about 1:30 am. Unfortunately, we all had to get up early the next morning! The kids had to be at school at 8 am, and I had to be at the hospital at that time for my daily radiation treatment.

But the kids and I both slept much of the rest of the drive, so it ended up that Frances was the one who got little sleep. (I must say she has been wonderful in all ways in dealing with the unexpected turn of events of the last few weeks, including getting me safely back from Kenya to Pasadena, providing emotional support when needed, and providing expert assistance in navigating through Huntington hospital. Thank you so much, Frances! )

Although we had a great weekend at the beach, it was also good to be home again.

Later Sunday

2007-09-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

Later that day, we went to the "Fireman's Barbeque" that the Cayucos Fire Department was sponsoring as a fund-raiser for the department. It was really good. We all had barbequed ribs, and sat outside the Veteran's Hall and listened to a local bluegrass/country band (banjo, guitar, steel guitar) that provided the entertainment.

Then, when we were done, we went to the "Peddler's Fair", which is a large outdoor art, craft, food, etc. market. Although I usually don't buy anything when I (rarely) go to such events, I saw a lamp I really liked, and it was marked down from over $100 to $50. So I bought it, and hopefully we'll have room in the car for it somewhere. Here are some pictures of it:

Lamp

A Sunday Morning to Remember

2007-09-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

This morning (Sunday) I woke up very early, as I described in my last post. I got up, got dressed, and logged onto the laptop to do some e-mail, blog posting, etc. But about 4:45, I decided to go out for a walk to get some exercise. Of course, it was still quite dark, but I jogged/walked from our motel near the pier, up Ocean Avenue to 6th street, over to the public beach access stairs, down to the beach, then back almost to the pier, but I stopped when I got to our motel.

I finished up just before 6 am, and was interested in getting a coffee and something to eat. I had planned to go to Kelly's Espresso Bar, but when I showed up there a little after 6, they were still closed. As I was walking away from Kelly's, I noticed a man leaning out of a second-story window across the street, talking to a woman in a truck down on the street. So I yelled up to him: "Excuse me sir, do you know when Kelly's opens?" He said they may not open at all today (!!). But then he told me that "O'Neil's" coffee shop was just about 3 blocks down the road, and he knew for sure that it was already open. So I set off for O'Neil's.

As it turned out, it was less than a block from our motel, so it was actually very convenient. I went in, and there were just a few customers at this early hour,
and a woman working behind the counter. I ordered a coffee and a muffin, and sat down at an empty table to look through some of the local newspapers.

But then I noticed a man talking to the person working behind the counter. (They seemed to be old friends, as did most of the people in O'Neil's; maybe there is a confederacy of "6 am coffee drinkers.") I overheard him mention that he had had some health problems, and that they caused him some problems with movement.

That sounded pretty familiar to me, and I wanted to know what the nature of his health problem was, and whether it was anything like mine. So I did something pretty out of character for me: I said to him "Excuse me, sir, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about some health problems you have; personally, I have Parkinson's Disease (diagnosed in 1998) and Brain Cancer. Would you mind telling me what your condition(s) are?" I've found that "Brain Cancer" seems to get people's attention, and among others with health issues confers a certain respect or credibility -- this is not the flu we're talking about here!

Without a moment's hesitation, he told me that he had had a couple of strokes, and has continuing movement-related issues as long-term side effects of the strokes. Very soon another customer, who was sitting nearby at another table and seemed to know the first guy very well, told me that he has severe back pain, and is getting Workman's Comp, but has a lot of problems with the "bureaucracy" and rules of the California Workman's Compensation program. For example, he is learning guitar (blues, rock, ...) and is willing to play through considerable pain in order to keep up with his lessons. (I can relate to that...) The problem is "guitar playing" is something that people in his condition aren't supposed to be able to do, according to the Workman's Comp guidelines. So the conclusion is that if he can do this, he must be cheating, and can be kicked out of the program. What the guidelines don't take into account is that he absolutely loves making music, and is willing to put up with considerable pain to do what he loves.

A woman who seemed to be a good friend of his and was sitting at a nearby table told me how happy she was to meet me, and she thought I had a very good, positive attitude about the Brain Cancer. The three of them were all permanent Cayucos residents; I told them that I was not a local, and was only here for 3 days, although we have been to Cayucos every summer for several years. Then she happened to mention that she was originally from Carmichael! Of course, I immediately told her I grew up in Rancho Cordova, and went to Cordova High. (Carmichael and Rancho Cordova are both Sacramento suburbs, not far from one another at all. We often played the teams from Carmichael in high-school football and other sports.) So then we talked a bit about high schools, etc. She graduated in 1969, I graduated from Cordova in 1975, and the other guy graduated from somewhere else not in Sacramento (near Cayucos, I think) in 1977.

All three of the people I talked to had faced health issues themselves, or had had friends with serious health problems. But they all had put aside feelings of depression, or anger, or other negative feelings, and were trying to focus on the positive.

When I had to leave, they gave me a sticker that said "Live in Peace," and had a peace symbol on it. Apparently it had something to do with the 40th commemoration of the "Summer of Love" in San Francisco in 1967 - of course, none of us were old enough to have actually participated in the Summer of Love. (I was 10).

I promptly went back to our motel room, and applied the sticker to my Mac PowerBook.
The people I talked to at O'Neils were very, very nice, and the thing that struck me is that they had all faced significant health-related adversity, but had come through it with a positive, peaceful attitude. It was a real pleasure to meet and talk with them, and they said that they enjoyed meeting me too.

A great way to start the day!

Note: although all 3 introduced themselves to me, I am not using their names because I didn't mention the blog to them (I forgot!), and so don't have their permission to appear in the blog.

A Good Place to Be

2007-09-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

Ah--- Cayucos, that's the place to be. It is supposed to be 102 degrees here today. We just returned from having lunch at the Apple Cafe. That is up past Placerville just before you get to Apple Hill. Now we will stay in the house with the air conditioning for the rest of the afternoon.

Cayucos is a good place for a vacation, whether it be short or long. I know we have enjoyed all the times we have been there. It is great that you gave Beachfront Rentals credit for refunding the money you paid for the rental of the house there that you had to cancel. Not every company would have. They deserve a gold star.

I am going to post a couple of pictures of our stay in Cayucos last year just to see if I am smart enough to figure out how to do it.

Well, I think I did it. It would be hard to say which the kids enjoyed more, the video gaming/pool hall or boogie boarding. Anyway, have fun for the rest of your Labor Day weekend.

To Sleep - Perchance to Dream?

2007-09-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I got to bed just after 9 pm, which meant, as usual for me, that I would be ready to get up and start the day 6 hours later: about 3 am. Sure enough, just about 3 am, I woke up, got out of bed, and got dressed. I was not in the least sleepy, had no desire to sleep any longer, and wanted to see what was new outside or on the internet. To most of you, this must seem very odd, but that's just how sleep is for me. When my head hits the pillow, I am usually out very quickly. I hardly ever have any memory of lying in bed trying to get to sleep. It feels to me as if I almost immediately go into a dream, and when I wake it often seems to be directly from a dream. Most people have 4 stages of sleep, and dream only in stage 4. But I seem to either skip right to stage 4, or else dream in all stages. This has one annoying side-effect: sometimes I have a hard time telling dreams from reality. I've even asked others how they know what's a dream and what's real. Is the dream in black and white? Or is there a flashing subtitle saying "Not Real! Don't Try This at Home!" How do you do it?

I think for most people, their dreams are so wacky that afterwards it is very clear that it was a dream, not reality. But lately I've been having dreams that are very similar to real life. For example: many old friends have called me once they heard about my health issues. Then I have had dreams in which other old friends called, or in some cases came by the house. So afterward as I think back on these visits or phone calls, it is really not so easy to figure out who really called and who didn't...

I've concluded that I need to start collecting tangible evidence of where I have been or who I have talked to. For example, in the next blog post I'll describe a conversation with several people on Sunday morning. I know this conversation really took place, and was not just some dream, because they gave me a sticker that says "Live in Peace" that now graces my Powerbook. If it were a dream, then where did the sticker come from? So I'm going to try to get a business card, or something tangible, each time I meet with someone. This will then serve as proof to me later that the meeting really happened...

Hopefully, all of these problems of distinguishing dream from reality are a temporary side effect of the recovery from the surgery, or the radiation or chemotherapy, and will not be a permanent problem...

Maybe I just need to get out more, so that I have MORE INTERESTING, less-realistic dreams! Unfortunately, not much chance of that for a while...

Saturday in Cayucos...

2007-09-01T21:13:00.001-07:00

We had a good time today in Cayucos, and look forward to the next 2 days. We checked in around 2 pm, and didn't do anything structured for the rest of the afternoon. The kids and Frances spent some time down on the beach, while I went on a walk down Ocean Ave. (the main street in town) to get my legs used to moving after a long ride in the car this morning...

Along the way, I stopped in a few of our old haunts: the video arcade and DVD rental store; the small grocery store; and Beachside Rentals, the rental agency that handles the listing for the beach house we rented last summer and were going to rent this summer.

At Beachside Rentals, I spoke to Kathy, who remembered me well when I told her my name. She asked how I was doing, so I told her quite truthfully that I felt great. When I told her the brain tumor that I had referred to in our correspondence regarding our need to cancel the rental turned out to be malignant (i. e. brain cancer), she told me that she knew someone who had brain cancer similar to my case, and who has now been cancer free for 5 years! That's what I want to say 5 years from now too! (OK, let's say in 5 years and a couple months!)

Beachside Rentals gave us a full refund on our 1-week rental fee, even though we had to cancel quite late and had pre-paid in full. They are a great company, have great rental listings, and if you ever want to rent a house on the central coast of California, I recommend them to you most highly!

. Once I got back to the motel, we got ready to go to dinner. We had a very nice dinner at Cafe Della Via (Caesar Salad, Fettucine Primavera, Iced Tea for me), and then walked back full and contented to the room, and got ready for bed.

Cayucos!

2007-09-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this post from the little central California beach town of Cayucos. We have come here every summer for the last few years, but thought we would miss it this year. Fortunately, Frances has a 100% functional brain, and had the bright idea that we could drive up to Cayucos for Labor Day Weekend. We left early this morning (Saturday), and, after lunch in Cambria, arrived at our motel about 2 pm.

Unlike all other years when we have come here, I didn't do any driving this time - I was just a passenger! We have a motel right on the beach, and I think these 3 days will be very relaxing. Then we need to be back in Pasadena by 8 am Tuesday morning, since the kids have school (for Erica, it is the first day of school). And for yours truly, I have a radiation therapy session. The radiation is not causing any problems. Each session lasts only 10 or 15 minutes, and all I have to do is lie still - that is one skill that I've perfected over the years. So far at least, I don't have any significant side effects of the radiation. But they told me that the side effects peak a few weeks into it, so... we'll see. But so far so good!

Basketball

2007-08-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

My history with the game of basketball goes back to 1965, when my uncle Dick came out from Illinois and spent a couple of weeks at our house in California. I was 8 years old at the time, and Dick was 19. There were several things about him that made him "cool" in my opinion. He listened to rock and roll music, not the country western music that my Dad (and Dick's older brother) favored. And he preferred white bread for sandwiches, not the "healthy" whole-wheat bread that we had always eaten. For the first time ever, we had white bread in the house, and it sure was good!

While he was visiting, Dick and I often went down the street to our elementary school (Williamson) to practice shooting the basketball. The "courts" were asphalt, and were playground size - certainly not full NBA regulation courts!

I had fun playing basketball with Uncle Dick (well, most of the time), but I'm not sure he did. I had the habit of walking, not jogging or running, to retrieve balls that had bounced out of the court. I figured: "What's the hurry?" Plus I was not in great physical condition, and actually running, in any form, seemed to be a very bad idea to me. Dick often told me I needed to "hustle" more.

After Dick left us to go back home to Illinois, my interest in basketball began to fade.

Looking back on it now, I agree completely with Dick's point of view about "hustling". It really slowed things down if I leisurely ambled to where the ball was. But from the perspective of a lazy 8-year-old, "hustling" took too much energy. Anyway, I still enjoyed Dick's visit very much... it was an introduction to a world that I didn't know existed (white bread, AM top 40 radio, hanging out at th local McDonalds, ...)

Although we didn't know it at the time, Dick's life was to change dramatically in another year or two. He was with a bunch of friends in a car, and they had a serious traffic accident.(I don't know the details, but apparently Dick was a passenger, not the driver.) I think Dick was thrown from the car. He broke his spinal cord near his neck, and wound up in a wheelchair. He is in a wheelchair to this day.

This came as a great shock to him and to his family. I still remember getting the call to tell us what had happened. It was one of the few times I can remember that I couldn't keep from crying.

But a funny thing happened. Over the next few months and then years, Dick began to act like he was a new person, with a new and much better outlook on life. It was if he had a reason to live that he didn't before. He had been a kid without a future - he said he was on the road either to prison or to the graveyard before the accident. But after the accident, he started to grow up quickly. He enrolled in college, and finished four years later with a degree in Sociology, and then even got a Master's Degree.

After he finished with his MS, he got a job with "Impact", an organization that helped people with many different kinds of disabilities to live independently, and eventually became its director. From wild teenager to (a few years later) director of a center for independent living -- that's quite a transformation, and a very inspiring one. I do regard Dick even today as a inspiring example of how adversity, illness, or disability does not have to be the "end" -- in fact, it can be the beginning of a new and very satisfying life. Dick was with Impact for a long time (25 years, I think) and did an enormous amount of good for people with many diverse mental and physical ailments.

OK, now back to basketball...

In recent years (starting about 2002) I became a fan of NBA basketball. This was out of character for me, since I had never been much of a sports fan before. But I found it enjoyable to watch the Sacramento Kings, who had never been good at all, but suddenly were holding their own against teams like the Lakers, the Dallas Mavericks, and the San Antonio Spurs - the "elite" NBA teams. So, since I was born and raised in Sacramento, I enjoyed seeing them come in as the underdog and defeat these powerhouse teams.

When the 2003 season rolled around, I even took the kids a couple of times to Staples Center when the Kings were in town to play the Lakers or the Clippers. We had fun. The kids found the basketball game a bit boring, but the liked the half time show, and especially the various things to eat and drink that were on sale.

Since then, it has been my habit to watch not only the Kings games, but also other teams I came to like - the Clippers, Lakers, San Antonio, Phoenix, Dallas, etc. Even my kids were amazed at the extent of my transformation from total non-sports fan to ardent basketball fan. But it didn't carry over to other sports. I still find baseball boring, and football is OK but I never seem to get around to watching it. Same with soccer. But somehow for me, basketball is much more interesting.

Now just so we are clear, I have to state that my new-found interest in basketball has not yet extended to actually playing the game. I should, of course, for exercise. But I think my skill level is not so high, so I would have to find other players without very high expectations...

In any case, we do have an old basketball hoop mounted on our carport, and I have a fairly new basketball. The kids and I occasionally play around with it, but never play "serious" games. But I have learned to shoot a bit, and I think this is a good way to test and to improve skills involving hand/eye coordination.

So I thought it would be interesting to try to do some free-throw shooting, just to see if I can still do it at all...

The movie below, taken by Tim, tells the story of our "basketball experiment" today.

The Well-Balanced Bloggist

2007-08-28T13:28:00.001-07:00

Thank You for Your Prayers

2007-08-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Many of you have told me privately that you are keeping me and my family in your prayers. I want to take this opportunity to thank you all. We may or may not share the same beliefs or be of the same faith, but I regard prayer of any type, offered sincerely, as one of the highest forms of love. So again, thank you all.

Caltech is a very international place, and I have friends, colleagues, and relatives who, taken together, cover the bases of the major faiths. In particular, I have relatives who are profoundly spiritual Christians, and we know we are in their prayers. I also have some devout Hindu colleagues here at Caltech, and they are offering prayers to their many Hindu gods. Another friend is Buddhist, and has lit candles for us in a Buddhist temple. Still other friends who are observant Jews have offered prayers for us.

I don't want to get into discussions of which religion is "correct" in this blog -- that could only divide us, when the most important thing is to be united against this disease. So I will not go into my own personal beliefs (or lack thereof) about matters theological in this blog.

The most important thing, from my point of view, is that the prayers are offered in all sincerity. Even if I don't fully understand your faith tradition, your sincerity, concern, and love for us comes through loud and clear. Thank you all.

But now for those of you who do not typically pray, I am not asking you to do anything that does not come naturally for you, or that is inconsistent with your beliefs (or lack thereof). I am equally grateful to the many people who have told me that they are keeping us in their thoughts. I sincerely thank all of you too!

Dave the Comedian

2007-08-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

I just watched Dave's video...very funny. I didn't know he was an actor but then he was in the drama club in high school...the dream still lives. I didn't know however, that he was a stand up comedian and well Dave, don't give up your day job.

Oh yes, that protrusion you want to get rid of...it's inherited and doesn't go away easily. Just ask Uncle Dick or Uncle Ron.

Dad

Saturday's Gathering

2007-08-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

It's a quiet Sunday in Shingle Springs after quite an active day yesterday. Ellen and kids came up, also Jenny, Stuart and kids (with dog, Shorty.) The kids played games, the adults talked, Shorty ran in and out, and everyone ate.

Kathryn is into rock painting (she's even sold some) so there was a paint table set up outside covered with paints and rocks (some bickering over who stole/spoiled whose rock.) After dinner, when it was cooler, Ellen, Stuart and Ian trimmed the front shrubs with Dad/Grandpa supervising. That is his specialty.

We discussed Dave's birthday party which will take place in October and we all plan to be there. Ellen was having trouble figuring out how to put comments on the blog but with Dave's instructions today I think she will get it figured out.

We are all proud of Dave's spirit. He is putting us to shame with his bike riding and exercise regimen. I'd better get my walking shoes out and quit using the hot weather as an excuse.

[notification] How to get an email every time there is a new post

2007-08-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

If you would like to be notified by email every time there is a new post, just send me an email listing one or more email addresses that should receive the notification.

How to Post Comments

2007-08-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

Several people have had some problems posting comments, so I thought I'd mention a couple of points:

I disabled posting of comments anonymously, so now you have to have a Google account to post comments. They are free and easy to get. All you need is an email address.
To sign up, go to https://www.google.com/accounts/ManageAccount.
You can also just click on this link.

Once you have a Google account, log in to it. Then you can return to the blog and post your comment.

Another Bike Ride

2007-08-26T13:46:00.001-07:00

After the success of my bike ride / walk Friday morning, I decided to take another bike ride this morning. I wanted to carefully document my ability to walk and balance myself on my feet, since I had some problems yesterday, and it seemed like some of my pills were not working, or certainly not very effectively. I walked around the driveway a bit before the ride, and I was not very good. I was not standing on my own two feet, but found the need to always reach out and grab some support.

I have started doing some tests to determine, to the extent possible, which medicine I take is the "magic pill" -- the one that gives me back my balance temporarily. So last night at 1:50 am, I took a Sinamet, then at 5:20 I took a Mirapex, then at 6:20 I took the rest of the morning pills except the steroid, which I took at 7:30. A little after 7:30 I headed out for the bike ride.

What I found is that the Sinamet seemed to be only slightly effective. By 3 am, I was still careening around, from one support to the next. It didn't get much better if any when I added the Mirapex, and even the other meds had not done much by the tie I left.

So I wasn't expecting much this time. But right on schedule about an hour after the last med (the steroid) was taken at 7:30, I was able to balance standing up and walk with a normal gait. This occurred once I had reached Trader Joe's. As I got off the bike, I could feel that my "balance system" was back in action.

The ride ended up as a very successful one. By the time I got back home I was fully "on," with no balance problems whatsoever. This state has persisted until now, about 2:30 pm, and I hope it lasts much longer.

When I got back home, I set up the video camera on a tripod to get some movies to document how my motor skills are doing. So with no further ado, let me present the film "After the Bike Ride":

My Theme Song

2007-08-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

I liked the message of this song even before this all started, but now it has special meaning for me. I really believe what they say!

Another thing I like: these guys are even older than me! This live version was performed in 1971.

Rare Earth - I Just Want To Celebrate lyrics

I Just Want To Celebrate
By Rare Earth
Note:  These lyrics are taken be ear and may not be entirely correct.  Any
Corrections would be welcome at jonufroc@indiana.edu
One, two, three, four
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
I just want to celebrate another day of life
I put my faith in the people
But the people let me down
So I turned the other way
And I carry on, anyhow
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
Another day of living, yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of life
Had my head on the dollar bill
But the dollar bill flew away
But the sun is shining down on me
And it's here to stay
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah
Another day of living, yeah
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
I just want to celebrate another day of life
Don't let it all get you down, no, no
Don't let it turn you around and around and around and around and around
Well, I can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine, every day
That's why I'm telling you I just want to celebrate
Oh, yeah
I just want to celebrate another day
Oh, I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
I just want to celebrate another day of life
Don't let it all get you down, no, no
Don't let it turn you around and around, etc.
Round, round, round, etc.
Don't go round
I just want to celebrate
I just want to celebrate
Well, I just want to celebrate
Said I just want to celebrate (celebrate)
I just want to celebrate (I want to celebrate)
I just want to celebrate (I got to celebrate)
I just want to celebrate



Song lyrics | Rare Earth lyrics

A Trip to OSH

2007-08-25T12:56:00.000-07:00

Later this morning, about 10 am, Tim, Frances, and I went to OSH in South Pasadena. I had taken my morning meds about 7:30, and by 10 I was really doing well. I was balancing just fine, and walking like a normal person (with a funny hat). I walked up and down the aisles without needing any extra support.

I bought lots of new fun "toys": some WD40, paintable calk and a new calk gun, a socket wrench set, a new hammer, a new hat that looks better than my Gilligan hat (Frances' suggestion), some power strips, spools of wiring, new wire cutters, a circuit tester, ... things that provide a middle-aged man hours or days of fun in the workshop!

On the way back home, we stopped by Dave and Angelica Clark's house, so that Tim and I could help them set up their very nice new iMac. I strode right up to their door, and when we went in didn't need to support myself on anything. For the next hour or so, my attention focused on trying to get their iMac communicating on the network, and installing some new software Angelica bought for the girls to use on school projects.

When we were finished and I got up out of the chair, I found that my balance was off again. Angelica drove us home, and by the time we arrived (around noon), I was back to careening around the room. So at 12:30 I took my noon meds, and now I am waiting to see when I recover my balance... hasn't happened yet (1:22 pm), but I'll keep waiting and monitoring.

About Balance

2007-08-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

I was thinking the other day that it's odd that so many people with various neurological conditions have problems with simple things like walking, but can still do "complex" things like solving differential equations.

But as I thought about it more, I realized that walking is in many respects harder for the brain than is any intellectual activity, no matter how sophisticated we regard the latter. If my brain has a small time delay in responding to sensory input, it doesn't affect in any significant way purely intellectual tasks. But walking or even standing still requires co-ordinated commands from the brain to the body (especially the feet and legs of course). The timing has to be precise. If you are standing, and start to fall over, your brain doesn't have the luxury of pondering what to do. It has to step into action quickly, before you end up on the floor.

So I conclude balance is actually really hard. The amazing thing is not that I can't do it very well, but that you all can! More on balance in the next post...

First Post-Operative Bike Ride

2007-08-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my first bike ride since the surgery. Of course I wore a bike helmet, which served the dual role of protecting my head and protecting those I meet along the way from having to view my punk hairstyle underneath... I am happy to report I had no falls whatsoever, so its first role was untested.

Our neighborhood has lots of beautiful street with minimal traffic, just right for bike riding. Despite this, I set as my goal the Starbucks on Fair Oaks Blvd., just north of California Blvd. Maybe this is due to some mental deficit, or maybe I just wanted a good cup of Jo...

Anyway, after practicing getting on and off a bit in our driveway, I set out at about 6 am up our street to California, then right on California to Orange Grove Blvd., where the light was red. I managed to successfully negotiate getting off, walking the bike in the crosswalk, and getting back on on the other side. I rode on the sidewalk, figuring that my extenuating circumstances justified this minor violation of traffic laws.

My next stop was Huntington Hospital. I felt like it has been my "home away from home," so I rode up the main entry road, past the entrance, and then back out to California Blvd. I thought I might see someone I know, but I didn't, so onward to Starbucks...

When I got to Fair Oaks Blvd., I had to get off to cross the road. I walked the bike across Fair Oaks, and then when the light changed, across California. On the sidewalk outside Boston Market, I mounted the bike again, and rode the last few feet to Starbucks, where I dismounted, leaned the bike up against the window of Starbucks near an outdoor table, and went it to join the line of early-morning Starbucks customers.

I do have some distinct balance issues, although I found it quite easy to ride the bike. Much more difficult is walking on my two feet. By using the bike as a big two-wheel "cane," I was able to walk outside pretty well. But inside Starbucks, I didn't have my bike for support, so I leaned on the various tables or displays along the way to the counter. I did get a few strange looks. There were 2 guys dressed in hospital garb that suggested to me that they worked at Huntington in some capacity. I saw them looking at each other as if to say "who let that guy out?"

Anyway, I finally made it up to the counter in my lunging way, and ordered a Grande Coffee and an Apple Fritter. The latter is probably disallowed on an anti-cancer diet, but i figured one couldn't do too much harm, and it sure would taste good. So after I paid, I reversed my path, like a billiard ball bouncing off obstacles, until I made it over the the milk/cream/spoon station, where I added non-fat milk (see? I can be good too!).

Then it was just a few short hops and richochets out the door to the table by my bike. I let myself down into the chair, and enjoyed the coffee and fritter. About 10 minutes later, I was finished, so it was time to hit the road (figuratively). I headed out with my two-wheel Trek 15-speed walking cane. I walked all the way to the Vons parking lot (across the street from Huntington Hospital), where I mounted and did a few laps around the parking lot. Satisfied with my bike riding abilities, I decided to walk home, in order to practice walking.

I find that if I don't think about it, I often put my foot (especially on the left) down incorrectly, making contact at the front first. This is a long-term, Parkinson's-related characteristic, but now post-surgery this tendency is a little bit stronger. Maybe (hopefully) it is only a temporary deficit.

So as I walked my bike back home, I consciously worked on getting my leg out in front, and making contact with the ground with my heel first. Once I got into the rythm, it went fine.

So my "bike ride" ended up mostly as a walk. But it was very valuable for me to see what balance issues I do have, and maybe the practice will begin the process of my brain rewiring some circuits to take over control of balance, to replace ones that were damaged at some point by the tumor. I plan to go out for a ride/walk with my Trek 2-wheel walking cane most days. As they say, practice makes perfect.

Another Good Day Today

2007-08-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. There were two major events.

First, at 12:30, we went to the follow-up post-surgery meeting with Dr. Fineman. I like Dr. Fineman very much -- he is an excellent neurosurgeon, and also a real "mensch" (a good, down-to-earth person). Plus he is a regular reader of this blog, which counts for a lot too!

He took the staples out of my incision, and says that in a couple more days I can even wash my hair (such as it is) again. It feels good to be staple-free!

He gave us some prescriptions, mostly continuations of things I am on now (Dilantin, for example), or lower-dose versions of meds I can ramp down, like the steroid.

We also talked about various aspects of the chemo- and radiation therapy, including who is good in the local area and would be covered by my insurance. We agreed the strategy to follow is to pursue the current standard-of-care procedures until they have done everything they possibly can. Then once the limits of conventional current-practice medicine have been reached, begin to think about various experimental approaches being developed at leading research centers in this area. We mentioned we may take a trip up to UCSF to talk to some people there, and he thought that was a fine idea. Also we told him we're going to go out to UCLa next Monday.

Dr. Fineman knows that I am very interested intellectually in some of these advanced methods (most of which use nanotechnology in some way). He thought I should start in now on the big job of reviewing the published literature on concepts for treatment, so that I'll be up to speed when the time comes to pursue getting into some clinical trials, etc. I also am planning to learn as much as I can about relevant work in my colleagues' labs at Caltech. Most of this is very basic science, but I want to know as much as I can about this whole field.

He also asked if I'm getting sleep - I think he was concerned that I'm staying up all night blogging and not resting... but I told him I'm getting 6 to 7 hours of sleep a night, which is my norm, going back to college days. He said that's about how much sleep he gets too, and was satisfied with how much I sleep.

He asked us to come see him again in a month, so we made that appointment with his staff, and said goodbye and came home around 1:40 pm.

Then the other big event was that Emre came over to the house around 2:30, and we had my first post-operative guitar lesson. It went very well, even if we did spend some considerable time simply chatting and catching up. We worked some on the Mazurka Choro (Villa-Lobos), especially the last passage with the triplets, leading to a final sustained A-minor chord.

But mostly it was just great to see him, and to get back to guitar playing. He told me one thing that I am a little worried about -- this Fall, he has to go back to Turkey to take care of his mandatory military service. Apparently, if you are highly educated (he has a Doctorate in Music, and a Master's in Mathematics), and own a business (He and his partners own the Los Angeles Guitar Academy), then the military service requirements are less stringent. But it is still possible he may be gone several months, which means no guitar lessons for me. But much worse, I would worry about him having to go to some very "hot" regions on Turkey's borders with its various middle-eastern neighbors... Hopefully, he will figure out some way to minimize the time he has to spend over there, and away from all his students here in Pasadena, who will miss getting together with him each week to make some beautiful music.

What I look like...

2007-08-22T03:09:00.000-07:00

My last photo was not so pretty, so here's a better picture of what I really look like now. The main difference is that this one is taken with my expensive Nikon D40X digital SLR, instead of the tiny camera built into my iMac. But it helps too that I dropped the goofy expression, and picked up a beautiful prop (my guitar).

Some people have told me I look like the guy in the picture below... a certain "Gilligan," who endured a weekly "3-hour cruise" on television for three years in the 60s.
Each week, the weather started turning rough, and the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would have been lost. The ship set ground on the shore of an uncharted desert isle, with Gilligan, the Skipper too, the Millionaire and his wife, the Movie Star, the Professor and Mary Anne, here on Gilligan's Isle.

I can relate to him, since for me too the weather has had its rough moments lately. I am happy to report, however, that due to the diligent work of the Millionaire and his wife (government agencies such as NIH that fund research on brain cancer treatments, and private foundations that do the same), the Movie Star (those who raise public awareness of this potentially-devastating disease), the Professor (scientists and doctors involved in brain cancer research) and Mary Anne (family, friends, and others who provide the all-important emotional support), the castaways on the uncharted desert isle will be rescued, and returned to their lives before the ill-fated three-hour cruise.

Types of Brain Damage

2007-08-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

One thing that is always a concern with brain tumors, and with the various forms of treatment, is the possibility of irreversible brain damage.

Physicians speak of the possibility of "mental deficits" due to the tumor invading or impinging on areas of the brain that govern important functions (memory, emotions, speech, vision, etc.) In some cases, there may be temporary deficits after surgery that eventually go away, or there may be permanent ones.

I was very pleased that when I woke up from the surgery I was "still me." I had my mental facilities intact, still remembered everyone, and still thought the same tired old jokes were funny that I did before the surgery.

Before the surgery, I met with a neuro-psychologist, who administered a series of tests to assess my pre-operative mental function. These tests mostly focused on memory. For example, she asked me to name all of the animals I could think of. Of course, having just returned from an African Safari, where I had the seizure that set this whole thing in motion, I tended to come up with African animal names: "Wildebeast, water buffalo, baboon, monkey, vulture, lion, cheetah, hyena, ...". I don't know if I got extra points for "exotic" animals or not.

Then another test went like this: She told me the sad story of Suzie Thomson of South Boston, who was a cook in a school cafeteria, and had 10 hungry children of her own. One day Suzie was out on State Street, and was mugged and robbed of $56. She went to the police station, and the officers were so moved by her story that they took up a collection among themselves to reimburse her for her losses.

The test consisted of her telling me this story, then another unrelated story (which I must admit I don't fully recall, but seemed to involve a young male driver out west in Texas or somewhere, who ran off the road into a ditch, and damaged his car).

She asked me to repeat the driver story, which was easy, since she had just told it to me. But then by surprise she told me to now tell her the Suzie Thomson story. It's hard to get back into a Boston frame of mind after thinking about the wide open highway in Texas!

Anyway, I did pretty well in recalling the details of the Suzie Thomson story, and it seemed that most points were given for recalling details. I remembered her last name because it is the same as that of the famous physicist Lord Thomson, who proposed the "jellium" model of the atom in the early days of atomic theory. And I've been to Boston many times, so I know just where State Street is. (Although the concept of Boston police taking up a collection from their own funds led to some mental dissonance...)

I wonder if the story had been about, say, "Hedda Jmnanovich of Vransk, Poland" if I would have done as well. I've never been to Poland, and can't think of any clever tricks to remember those names... I don't know any streets in any city in Poland.

Anyway, she told me overall I scored above the 99th percentile. As a Caltech academic, this meant a lot to me. At Caltech, we like the 99th percentile. If you are much below than in your high school class, you won't get in as a student. And if you're not at that level as a graduate student, no search committee will recommend you for an Assistant Professor position. So that sounded good to me.

We didn't do a post-operative test, but I don't feel like I'm in any lower percentile now than before.

But it was eye-opening to me to see how they typically measure mental function. It is essentially what we engineers would call "unit operations:" elementary operations, not reducible to simpler steps. For example, they are interested in measuring how fast you can pull words out of memory: "List as many words as you can in 30 seconds starting with the letter S, not including proper nouns". But there was no test concerning pulling the right words out of memory!

For example, an interesting and practical test would be: "Name your wife", or "name your oldest son". If your wife is "Mary" and you say "Sue", I could imagine that this mental deficit might have some very long-lasting and severe consequences. These are the memory tests that matter in the real world! Other practical tests might be "When is your anniversary?", "What is your wife's birthday?". For the record, these are deeply ingrained into my brain, tumor or no tumor.

And then there is the question of mental deficits in reasoning. I was told that the left temporal lobe was responsible for, among other things, integrating individual memories, or sensory input, into more complex ideas. So what really concerned me was that either due to the tumor, or to the surgery to remove it, I might come to find nothing wrong with the following nonsensical statements:

One plus two equals five.

The laws of thermodynamics may be revoked.

A machine that takes in no work and transfers heat from a cold to a hot reservoir with no other effect on the environment is possible to build.

The evidence presented by Colin Powell at the UN before the invasion of Iraq constituted proof that Saddam Hussein had or was building weapons of mass destruction.

There was credible evidence of a link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Queda.

George Bush is a good President.

The profit motive is good for the US education and health care systems.

The mental deficit characterized by belief that the erroneous statements 4 through 7 are true I will call "republicanism", a very widespread affliction of the brain in the areas that govern logic and common sense. This mental disorder only a few years ago afflicted approximately 51% of the American voting public. I am happy to report that today the disorder (especially as measured by question 6) only afflicts about 1/3 of the voting public. It seems that this great success was not due to advances in neuroscience, but to the ability of the brain to identify patent absurdities, and reassess the premises that led to absurd conclusions, such as "Dick Cheney is a smart man who values the opinions of all, and would make a great President."

It is this sort of mental deficit that would really impact my life and career. For example, it would be mildly interesting to ask a question like: "List as many hyperbolic partial differential equations (PDEs) as you can in 30 seconds." But far more relevant would be "list an appropriate set of boundary and initial conditions for a hyperbolic PDE in 2 dimensions; repeat for parabolic and elliptic PDEs." I have to say that if I confused hyperbolic and elliptic PDEs (one of which has wave-like solutions with finite propagation speeds, and the other of which propagates information infinitely fast -- I assume you know which one is which) then I would really be concerned about a mental deficit. Fortunately, the distinctions between hyperbolic, parabolic, and elliptic PDEs is as clear to me today as it was in graduate school, or as it was pre-surgery. I guess we can conclude that the tumor was far from the PDE center in my brain.

Or another thing that would have devastating personal consequences would be if the "thermodynamics" center were affected. For example, if I agreed with any of the following erroneous statements, it would be clear and devastating evidence of a career-ending brain disorder:

It is possible to fully convert heat into work.

Entropy can be destroyed.

Energy can be created.

Global warming is not a problem, no need to change anything about our society to minimize emission of CO2.

Perpetual motion machines are possible, and research into these "novel concepts" deserves DOE funding.

Fortunately, as far as I can tell, my "thermo center" is still functioning well. This means I will be able to keep working on my current research projects, including:

A new collaboration with Sossina Haile in Materials Science, funded by Stanford's Global Climate and Energy Program, to develop high performance solid oxide fuel cell electrodes using recently-developed nanofabrication methods.

The ONR "Research Tools" program, in which we are developing quantitative models and modeling tools for high-temperature solid-state electrochemical systems

Cantera, my object-oriented C++ software package for simulations involving coupled chemistry, electrochemistry, transport processes, surface chemistry, etc.

Our DARPA-funded work on plasmon-enhanced heating via nanoparticles as a tool for deposition of nanostructures, and for pumping, distilling, and concentrating liquid solutions for "lab on a chip" applications.

Also, a mental deficit in the "software center" would be devastating for me professionnally. This could be diagnosed by checking for agreement with any of the following erroneous statements:

If a project presentation has colorful PowerPoint slides, the science must be good.

MS-Windows is just as good an operating system as Mac OS-X.

Fortran 77 is a fine programming language; I don't need to learn any C++.

As far as I can tell, my software center is still intact.

So in summary, it seems the essential parts of my brain for my life and work are still functioning as well as ever (but unfortunately no better than previously... ). So somehow this ~ 1 inch by 1.5 inch tumor was located in some part of my brain that doesn't seem to do much of anything. Perhaps it was located in the "team sports playing" center, or the "civic club joining" center, neither of which seem to work anyway.

Well, that's about all for now -- its nearly my bedtime. I suspect some of you may be thinking about now: "Don't you just hate it when someone thinks surviving brain cancer suddenly makes them qualified to be a stand-up comedian?" I suppose it is possible that I have a deficit in my "tasteful humor" center, or my "knows when to shut up" center. If so, probably years of therapy will be needed...

OK, good night all!
Dave

A new blogger

2007-08-21T11:05:00.000-07:00

This is my first ever "blog"...amazing what your kids can teach you. Thanks Dave. I sort of feel like that thing that circulated through our office years ago with a picture of a weird looking guy that said "before I couldn't even spell enjiner, and now I are one".

We, Dave's mom and I, just spent eight days with Dave, Frances, Tim and Erica at their house. We arrived on Sunday August 12th and left the following Sunday. It was the day after my 78th birthday so shortly after we got there Frances and the kids appeared with a birthday cake with candles...not 78, that would have been too much of a fire hazard. I loved it. Thanks Frances and the kids...I'm pretty sure Dave didn't bake it.

We went down to be with them during Dave's surgery. We didn't go there to be with Dave the scientist, or Dave the engineer, or Dave the world traveller, we were there to be with Dave, our son. We knew it meant a lot to him for us to be there during the surgery...we wouldn't have been anywhere else it the world.

I think everyone knows about the surgery from Dave's blog so I won't dwell on that. He's covered that very well. I will say that we are very thankful that things turned out good and the future looks great.

This was kind of like a "mini-vacation" for us. Frances had to work so we spent a lot of time with him and the kids. He isn't allowed to drive so Verma did all the driving in his car. She drove because she is much younger than me...she's only 75. With Dave navigating, and Verma driving, I felt perfectly safe and comfortable in the back seat...why not, I taught both of them how to drive. We ran a lot of errands, made trips to the hospital and medical centers for various tests and ate lunch out a couple of times. This was probably the most time we spent with Dave since he was a kid.

Before and after the surgery we spent a lot of time just being together talking about his sisters and their families, cousins and other relatives, reminiscing about trips in the non-air conditioned station wagon in July, when the kids were little driving across the country to visit my family in Illinois.

I love the things we have in common, only different. Dave is studying classical guitar and doing very well. I love guitars and have owned several. At around 15 I learned to play a few basic chords on the guitar and with a few friends in the "hood" we learned to sing country songs with me playing the chords. Many a summer night we sat on the front porch singing songs we learned on the radio. We didn't have TV or electronic games to play.

I have always been a woodworker of sorts and I was very happy to find Dave had found this interest also within the last few years.

And there's engineering where we are miles apart with his scientific research and my (long ago) designing plant facilities for an industrial plant for 30 years.

That's about it for my "first" blog. Good luck tomorrow Dave with the doctor.

Dad

http://webs.directcon.net/goodvg/index.html

My New Look

2007-08-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I've changed headgear and am no longer sporting the "pirate" look. Here's what I look like today:

Not so pretty, perhaps, but you have to consider the starting material! I mean, recovering from brain cancer is one thing, but turning me into one of the "beautiful people" we have so many of here in LA is even beyond the ability of my crack medical team... I think of this look as my 40s-noir street-smart look... then again, you may just think of it as my goofy look...

In any case, I'm feeling great! I spent a couple of hours this morning doing some major housecleaning. It felt good to be up and around, making the kids' lives miserable just like nothing was out of the ordinary ("take those shoes up to your room! Is this mess in the kitchen yours?").

The events for today are a visit from Melany Hunt and Tim Colonius, to fill me in on all of the Caltech gossip that I am missing by not going in to the office. Then they will give me a ride to Huntington Hospital for my 11:30 am appointment with Dr. Lam, my radiation oncologist (and head of the radiation oncology department there), to discuss my radiation therapy. Looking forward to getting going on that. It feels great to have the vast majority of the tumor already out, and now the focus is on killing off the microscopic bits that can't be removed surgically, but from which new tumor could grow if left in place. I am very happy to place myself in the able hands of Dr. Lam and his staff to manage this portion of my treatment!

50th Birthday Bash

2007-08-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

This October 15th, I will turn 50 years old. [As I told Erica, that means my life is 1/4 over... :) ] To celebrate, we are planning a party the likes of which have not been seen around here in a long time! All of my family, friends, and colleagues are invited, including those of you in Sacramento, Illinois, or wherever else you may be, in addition to the local Pasadena crowd!

We'll probably have a catered party here at the house on Sunday afternoon, Oct. 14. Those of you coming from out of town should plan on coming in Friday and spending a long weekend here. We'll arrange for a block of rooms at some nearby Pasadena hotel. Or those of you with kids might want to combine this with a trip to Disneyland, or Knotts Berry Farm, or somewhere else of your own choosing. And for those coming without kids: perhaps a trip to Tijuana, Vegas, or elsewhere...

This year's birthday is of course special for reasons beyond simply marking the half-century mark. It will celebrate my personal victory over this terrible disease (achieved only with the help of all of you), and the initiation of a new research program at Caltech to explore using nanoparticle-based thermal methods to attack and destroy glioblastomas. For me, it's no longer just about my personal recovery (although that is a prerequisite!): it is about using my experience, and my talents (such as they are), in collaboration with experts in this area, to once and for all DEFEAT this disease, and make total recovery the norm for everyone, not the exception, as it is now with conventional therapies. This GBM disease doesn't know what it's up against! With a crack team of first-rate clinical and research MDs, with a few science/engineering PhDs (like myself) sprinkled in for good measure, the disease doesn't have a chance! We're going to win this by a TKO!

I hope to see all of you in October! You'lll have the opportunity to meet the scientists and doctors from Caltech, Huntington Hospital, and/or other major research centers who are going to make this happen! Don't pass up this once-in-a-lifetime event!

And don't worry about whether you are invited. Everyone who cares enough to be a regular reader of this blog is by definition invited!

The Way Forward

2007-08-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

I have been doing alot of thinking about how to insure I beat this thing. Here's what I think now.

First of all, I will of course first do the prudent things recommended by my physicians to get through the initial period -- conventional radiation and chemotherapy, to fight regrowth of the tumor from those parts that could not be surgically resected. This will buy some time to pursue more innovative and promising approaches.

But then I plan to drop my role as "patient," and take up the role of "scientist/engineer." I intend not only to personally survive this cancer, but I want my case to mark the dawn of a new era in treatment of glioblastomas, in which treatment is curative, not merely palliative. I plan to devote myself and my laboratory at Caltech to achieving this goal, working in close collaboration with my medical team, especially Dr. Igor Fineman, my fantastic neurosurgeon, and a top-notch research scientist himself.

So what is required to achieve this ambitious goal? Fundamentally, it is necessary to be able to selectively destroy tumor tissue, without attacking healthy brain tissue. For GBMs, this is hard, because they are formed from diverse tissue types, and physically intertwine with healthy tissue.

A very promising approach is to use heat to destroy the tumor, if heating agents can be selectively bound to the tumor. One way to do this is to use the body's own immune system, using T-cells that bind to the tumor, and that are also attached to small metal nanoparticles. The net effect is that the tumor can be selectively coated with nanoparticles. These nanoparticles can be heated with an external AC magnetic field, or by laser irradiation at their plasmon frequency (for gold, this is near 600 nm - red light).

In my group at Caltech, we have done quite a bit of work with gold nanoparticles as heaters for other applications (micro/nanostructure formation, fluid pumping in microchannels). But other groups are already using nanoparticles to heat and destroy malignant tumors. I would be very excited to shift our focus to using gold nanoparticles to selectively heat and destroy glioblastomas. I really think this approach may offer the first possibility of curative therapy -- that is, therapy that really gets all of the residual tumor, leaving nothing for further growth!

For this reason, I not only expect to eventually be cured of this GBM, but I expect this will increasingly be the norm! We will go from the present situation, in which survival is measured in months, to one in which patients live many years, and ultimately die of something else. I see no reason to think this cannot happen - it can, should, and (given enough resources and smart people) will happen!

Back in Shingle Springs

2007-08-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

We're back home after spending a week with Dave, Frances, Tim and Erica. We didn't get what we had so fervently hoped for, a benign tumor, but we are thankful Dave came through the surgery so well. He amazed us with how rapidly he was back to being himself and was even released from the hospital a day early! I think one of our main task now may be to keep him from doing too much too soon. He is gung-ho to defeat this thing.

Frances has been working in every way to get things done quickly for Dave and by the best people. They will both be doing research and seeking out available treatments and programs. They are a good team with their different scientific backgrounds. We are so grateful Dave has Frances by his side.

Even though there was some sadness in this trip, we enjoyed long talks with Dave about the past, present and future. In addition to some tears, we had many laughs. Of course, we have a long history together so we never lack for something to talk or joke about. We loved being with Dave and his family and look forward with confidence.

A Walk to the Arroyo

2007-08-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

Since I am feeling good today, I decided to take a short walk down to the Arroyo and take a few pictures. I took some shots from the La Loma Bridge, then I went down into the Arroyo and took a picture of the La Loma Bridge.

Then I walked back home by coming up Bradford. It felt very good to get outside in the fresh air, and to get even a little bit of exercise!

Doing well

2007-08-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

Things still seem to be going very well, all things considered. Mom and I took a walk around the block this morning, and it felt good to get out in the fresh air. Today is just a day for relaxing -- some blog writing, a bit of napping, some TV watching... We've got a bit of a break until the next "event", which will be the meeting with Dr. Fineman on Wednesday. I am really curious to see how the pathology report comes out. The nature of the tumor cells as shown in the microscope images will go a long way to determine whether this tumor is really a GBM, or might be a lower-grade tumor... Whatever the identity, I am prepared to fight its recurrence with all my energy and all the technology we can muster. I'm starting to learn more about the various chemotherapy and radiation options, including research trials. I will of course follow the guidance of my "crack" medical team, but I plan to play an active role too. And as a Caltech scientist/engineer, I think I can understand some of the science underlying treatment decisions. I plan to learn what I need to know of the science to converse intelligently with my doctors.

And of course I need to get back to my own science (fuel cells, CVD, Cantera, ...) real soon! The Global Climate and Energy project is going to be fascinating, and also I need to write up my section of our paper on our on-chip technique to carry out distillation and concentration (for example, of DNA).

And then I've got to start thinking about ME 122 ("Sustainable Energy Engineering") in January... All of this is very welcome. I am looking forward very much to teaching this class, and think that the preparation for it in the next few months will itself be therapeutic, by giving me something significant and interesting to do that is not about me in a "patient" role.

And then of course there is classical guitar playing... I am really looking forward to improving my technique. Emre has very generously agreed to give me lessons at home, while I can't drive. I am very much looking forward to mastering the Villa-Lobos pieces that I am working on, learning more of the Cardoso pieces, and adding a few more new pieces... This is what I call really fulfilling and fun!

I also want everyone to know I appreciate so much the concern, love, thoughts, and prayers that so many of you have offered! I truly think it makes a real difference! I know without question that I am blessed!

My new "pirate" look

2007-08-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'm doing amazingly well, considering what I've been through in the last couple of days. I'm sporting a new "Pirates of the Carribean" look. I feel very good - I am up and about, have lots of energy, and am very happy to be home. I feel basically normal: no pain, no weakness, no sign of mental deficits. (On the other hand, I don't seem to have improved mentally either...)

Basically, I am my normal self. I don't feel like an invalid, or a "patient," and I am looking forward to diving back into teaching and research.

Since the tumor is largely gone now (thank you, Dr. Fineman!), and the radiation and chemo will clean up the residual, I don't see any reason to think this thing is going to stop me. The t-shirt I am wearing is from our Mechanical Engineering Centennial Celebration, but now I have a new interpretation for the logo on the front ("ME 100"). I am interpreting it as my life expectancy...

I am very, very grateful to my loving family, caring friends and colleagues, and my "crack" medical team! You are all fantastic!

Some Photos

2007-08-17T04:31:00.000-07:00

What I looked like very recently:

Last pre-operative photo, with short haircut:

What I look like Friday morning, nearly 3 day post op:

This is my "Frankenstein's Monster" look. Don't worry, though - -the next time you see me in person I'll look much more civilized. Frances is out at this minute getting me some sort of new bandage or floppy hat, so that I won't unduly alarm small children or animals.

Next steps

2007-08-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

The immediate task is to recover from the surgery. Then on Wednesday, I'll have an appointment with Dr. Fineman, and on Thursday one with Dr. Girard. At these meetings, we'll presumably discuss the long-term treatment options, which will require getting a neuro-oncologist involved too, to manage the long-term radiation and chemotherapy program. At this point, I am willing to do whatever it takes to maximize my odds of long-term survival - radiation, chemo: bring it on. I've got far too much to live for to cut life short for any reason.

Discharged

2007-08-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I was discharged from the hospital and am now at home. Even though the Huntington staff were all great, there is no place like home. And it is great to see Tim and Erica again.

What I have

2007-08-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

When Dr Fineman finally got my head opened up and could see the tumor, he found that it was not a slow-growing, benign tumor, but instead just the opposite: a glioblastoma multiforme or GBM,the most aggressive form of the primary brain tumors known collectively as gliomas. He broke the news to Frances and me today at our initial post-operative meeting with him. These results are still preliminary, however, since the pathology report is not finished. We will have a second post-operative meeting with him next Wednesday, hopefully with the final pathology report.

But from my perspective, there is NO REASON to despair. Although the "average" patient with a GBM may not do particularly well, I have never been "average" in anything I've done, and I sure don't plan to start now. There are patients who beat this, and I plan to be one of them. I have a crack medical team, a wonderful wife and family, and great friends and colleagues world-wide. I am involved in scientific work (energy research, specificallly fuel cells) that I find very stimulating, and that I believe is important, not only for my personal survival, but for our survival as a civilization into he next decades and centuries. That must count for something!

I am not one to rely on "God" stepping in to fix things - I tend to trust in science and technology. (Nevertheless, prayers to the God of your choice [Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, ...] will be gratefully accepted!) GBMs do respond to radiation and chemotherapy, and so there are things one can do to fight the residual tumor that couldn't be surgically resected. I am more than happy to do radiation, chemo, or whatever it takes to beat this thing! I feel we're only beginning to fight!

Wednesday

2007-08-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

After my surgery yesterday, today was devoted to recovery. I spent it in the Intensive Care Unit (room 3). My memory of today is not so clear, in part because I slept most of the day.

How this all began

2007-08-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me that some of you haven't heard the story of how this all began, so let me give a summary. We were on a fantastic safari vacation in Kenya, with Frances's parents Evelyn and Leon, and their long-time friends, the Chus. All together, we were a group of 18 people. We spent most of a week looking at and taking pictures of all sorts of wild animals - lions, wildebeast, elephants, etc. It was really fascinating. See my other blog for more about the safari.

On Saturday morning, August 4, I suffered a seizure while sitting on the patio in front of our first-floor room at the game reserve where we were staying. I had never had a seizure before, and didn't know what was happening. For me, the first symptom was a sense of great anxiety, but without any specific focus. (I decided I must be anxious that we wouldn't get to the small airport in time to make our plane to Nairobi.) This was followed less than a minute later by a strange metallic taste in my mouth. As I found out later, both are commonly experienced in the initial phase of a seizure (the so-called "aura").

The rest I only know second-hand, because I have absolutely no memory of anything for the next hour or two, until I woke up lying in bed in our room, not knowing how I got to the bed. (I found out later that Frances had recruited 4 strong guys from our tour group to carry me from the patio in front of our room where the seizure occurred into the bed.) Apparently my muscles all went stiff during the seizure, and my head turned sharply to the right, with my arms and legs contorted in unnatural positions. The kids were scared because they didn't know what I was doing, and they told me later that I was yelling "We must get on the plane!!" in an unnatural "possessed" voice.

Then the seizure passed, and I went limp in the bed. At first, Frances would try to rouse me but I could not be roused. After a while (5 minutes?) I would respond to her questions, but my answers didn't make sense. Finally, after another 5 or 10 minutes, I was fully awake and could respond more-or-less coherently to her questions.

At first, we were not thinking about a tumor at all. We thought it must be the result of something I ate. Frances was suspecting the old cheese I had eaten for breakfast, which had some visible mold on the surface that shouldn't have been there. I had eaten the whole slice of cheese, including the mold spots (hey, I was hungry).

Once the seizure was over, and I seemed to be back to normal, we continued with our sight-seeing. We took the small plane to Nairobi as planned, where we were met by Benson from the company running the tour, and he drove us to the hotel. Frances had gotten some valium pills, which can be used as an anti-seizure medication, and had given me some before the flight to Nairobi. So by this time I was a bit groggy, but feeling pretty good. From what I remember, after lunch we said good-bye to Leon, Evelyn, and the Chus, since they were booked on flights leaving Saturday, but we were leaving Sunday. The four of us then went up to our room, and all took naps.

On Sunday morning, we went to the Elephant Orphanage and to the Giraffe Center. Both were interesting, and by this time I was feeling fine. (The valium helped with that!) I resolved to be a little more careful with what I eat - no more moldy cheese! Later in the day, Benson took us to the Nairobi airport, and after the usual lines, delays, etc., we boarded a 747 plane for London, where we would spend 5 hours and then transfer to another flight for Los Angeles. I thought the seizure was an isolated event, and was all finished.

The flight was basically uneventful. I did experience a hint of an aura on the flight, but it didn't become a full-blow seizure. When we got home, we unpacked a bit but then Frances took me over to Huntington Hopital for some more tests, to better determine what caused this seizure. There I met Drs. Girard (neurologist) and Dr. Fineman (neurosurgery), both of whom impressed me very much.

They ran a CT scan, which looked basically normal. But then they did an MRI, and it was clearly abnormal. In the left temporal lobe of my brain, there was a "low density" region, which was consistent with the presence of a small tumor. Dr. Fineman told me that to know more, they would really have to go in and find our just what type of tumor it is. (There are some 140 different types, with very different characteristics and prognoses!)

So my seizure wasn't caused by moldy cheese. It was caused by a tumor. Well, this might be considered "bad news," but I didn't take it that way when they told me. It offered something concrete to explain what was going on. Only once you know what a problem is, is it possible to come up with a plan to to fix it...

So that brings us to today's activities. Hopefully, before this day is over, Drs. Fineman and Girard will know what sort of tumor I have, and maybe (even better) Dr. Fineman will be able to cleanly remove it.

Big Day Today

2007-08-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well, today's the big day. My surgery begins at 2 pm, and it's expected to take about 3 hours. I'll check in to the hospital at noon, and get properly instrumented and issued one of those lovely hospital gowns.

I find myself in good spirits. I do know the potential seriousness of what will take place today, but somehow I truly think it will be OK. Maybe it is just an irrational but strong belief in my own indestructability. But I think that what (little) we know so far supports the idea that this will prove to be (as brain tumors go) relatively modest. I say this because other than the seizure last Saturday that started this whole thing, I have few if any symptoms:

no headache or other pain
no obvious deficits in reasoning (OK, some of you may beg to differ on this point...),
no worse memory than my usual absent-minded-professor memory.

Of course, it should be stated in fairness that I am also highly medicated, with Dilantin to inhibit seizures, steroids to fight brain swelling, etc.

A big part of the reason I am in good spirits is that I am surrounded by family. My wife Frances (herself an MD) has been an incredible source of strength (and to top it off, she has the insider's knowledge of how to cut through hospital red tape!). I owe her for very much, including for getting me safely home from Kenya, where I had the seizure, with no further incidents. My kids Tim (12) and Erica (10) are handling this great, even though I think the seizure, which they witnessed, was scary for them. (They told me later I was acting like I was "possessed by demons" - well, maybe I was in a sense.)

My parents flew down here Sunday night from Sacramento, one day after my Dad's 78th birthday. They plan to stay all week, and have offered to help in any way they can. Their love, support, and help mean more to me than I can ever express in words. It is a great comfort to have them here.

Well, I guess that's about all for now. The next few posts will probably come from Frances or my parents, since I will likely be in no condition to post anything for at least a day or two. My major task of the morning is to get them set up with Google accounts and teach them how to blog... [And you thought neurosurgery was hard! (Just kidding, Frances, Mom, and Dad!)]